Local Man Pretty Sure He’d Run a Corporation Better Than CEO
Carl B., a self-proclaimed business mastermind and full-time disability recipient since 2012, took to social media this week with a bold claim: he...
Scientists Confirm: People Who Watch Major News Channels Are Actually Less Informed Than Uncontacted Amazonian Tribes
A new study finds that cable news viewers might actually be less informed about the world than uncontacted tribes in the Amazon. At...
The FBI Finally Finds Waldo
“After decades of international hide-and-seek, the FBI has finally captured Waldo in Luxembourg. Turns out, the best disguise was just refusing to change...
Grooms Break Off Gay Marriage After Heated Debate Over Wedding Dress
Mark and Jonathan broke up before the vows—because sometimes love is blind, but vanity isn't.
Grooms Break Off Gay Marriage After Heated Debate Over Wedding Dress
Mark and Jonathan broke up before the vows—because sometimes love is blind, but vanity isn't.
Local Gays Invite Jerry Jones Curtain Shopping
In a hilariously awkward twist, local gays invited Jerry Jones to a mimosa-fueled curtain-shopping spree to fix AT&T Stadium's sun problem. Fabulousness ensued—mostly.
Study Confirms: Every $100k You Make Adds an Inch to Your …
In news that’s sure to make crypto bros invest even harder, science confirms: for every $100,000 you make per year, your penis grows...
Woman Adds Lemon to Her Alkaline Water; Scientists Confirm She Has No Idea What Alkaline Means
"Adding lemon to alkaline water might be the ultimate science-meets-vibes fail—because if it’s wrong, at least it feels so right."
Man Claims “It’s About the Journey, Not the Destination” as Family Realizes They’ve Been Lost for 3 Hours
ocal man Jared F. was reported as saying, "It’s about the journey, not the destination," while stubbornly refusing to admit he’s been lost...
Man Fears Nothing at a Haunted House, His Own Apartment – The Real Horror
"Bryan S. laughed his way through the state’s most terrifying haunted house. His secret? His apartment is a far scarier place."
Teenage Girl Unlocks All the Achievements on Her Car’s Dashboard
Local teen Madison P. mistakes her car’s warning lights for game-like achievements, believing she’s unlocking next-level driving skills—while her car slowly falls apart.
Alabama Couple Ditches First Dance for Field-Dressing a Deer
In lieu of a first dance, one Alabama couple is choosing to field-dress a deer at their wedding, with a Waffle House reception...
Woman Still Convinced She Will Receive Free iPhone 15
Karen M. remains unwavering in her belief that she will receive a free iPhone 15 after responding to a suspicious pop-up ad. Despite...
AI Breakthrough: Technology to be Used to Listen to Your Grandmother’s Boring Stories, So You Don’t Have To
In a revolutionary breakthrough, new AI technology allows you to listen to your grandmother’s endless stories—without having to actually listen to your grandmother’s...
Co-worker Tells a Story, With Breath So Bad It Makes Man’s Eyes Water
"The more he talked, the worse it got. It was like he had a three-course meal of garlic, roadkill, and onions just before...
Man at Department Store Warned He Would “Blow Up the Bathroom”
In a gastrointestinal misunderstanding, police responded to a "bomb threat" at a department store—only to find a man in dire need of a...
Coworker Oblivious to “Damn, That’s Crazy” Cue, Continues Story Like It’s Riveting
"In an astounding feat of social obliviousness, local man Eric S. powered through a mundane story about his weekend drywall repair, despite his...
Woman Drowning in Debt Thinks Getting One More Loan Will Fix Things
"I could’ve used the loan for my high-interest credit cards," Emily admitted while browsing Amazon. "But, like, I’ve been eyeing this smart fridge,...
Local Man Performs Annual ‘Change of Bed Sheets’ Ritual
After 364 days of rigorous non-laundry, local man Greg M. undertakes his yearly bed-sheet change, declaring his bed a 'sanctified' zone.
Local Man Feels Urge to Discuss Politics With Customer Service Rep
"I’m just here to help with your internet connection," said the customer service rep, just moments before reconsidering her entire life.
Man with Nosebleed Sneezes, Unleashes Biohazard-Level Disaster on Unsuspecting Café Patrons
"It was like someone detonated a ketchup grenade," one horrified witness reported after a man’s nosebleed-turned-sneeze disaster left a café drenched in an...
Local Man’s Biggest Turn-On Is Getting IRS Notices
Local man Dave R. reveals his unusual fetish for financial domination, finding excitement in debt and tax obligations rather than traditional kinks. He...
Blind Date Win: He Isn’t a Murderer, She Isn’t Fat
In what sources are calling a resounding victory for the lowered expectations of dating in the modern age, local woman Linda M., 29,...
Jogger Spends More Time Picking Playlist Than Actually Running
"Local jogger Matt T. spends more time curating the ultimate 'Beast Mode' playlist than actually running – because true cardio requires a soundtrack."
Guy at Gym Still Doesn’t Know How to Use Half the Equipment, But He’s Not Asking
"Local gym-goer Todd R. has been misusing fitness equipment for six months and refuses all assistance, claiming he’s 'just here for the vibes.'"
Local Man Plays Another Round of Call of Duty, Sparking Parents’ Dog Adoption
"The dog won’t talk back, it won’t order DoorDash four times a week, and at this point, it has a better chance of...
New Study Reveals that Arizonans are 99% Likely to Use the Phrase ‘But It’s a Dry Heat’ Within 5 Minutes of Meeting You
"A new study confirms it: Arizonans will tell you 'it’s a dry heat' within minutes of meeting you, regardless of conversational context."
Intramural Softball Team Takes ‘No Alcohol’ Rule as a Suggestion, Not a Law
Zero victories, but infinite amounts of beer and camaraderie. "Pitch, Please" shows us all that winning isn't everything—especially when you've got a cooler...
Study Finds 98% of Hot Air Balloon Accident Victims Are White People
A new study shows 98% of hot air balloon fatalities involve white people, prompting scientists to dub it “The Latte Fatality Effect.” Could...
Lonely Woman’s “Cooking with Wine Night” Quickly Spirals Into Two-Bottle Bender
"There’s nothing like the taste of burning failure and Minute Rice,” Sarah said, wiping away a tear with a leftover chicken bone."
Local Man’s Wife Wants to Go to Farmer’s Market on Football Sunday, Doesn’t Understand Why That’s a Problem
Local man’s wife suggests a farmer's market trip on Football Sunday, completely oblivious to the devastating consequences for their marriage.
