Study Confirms: Every $100k You Make Adds an Inch to Your …
In news that’s sure to make crypto bros invest even harder, science confirms: for every $100,000 you make per year, your penis grows...
12 Things Men Secretly Crave, According to Women
"Turns out all a man really wants is constant snack interventions, hourly check-ins, and a Zodiac compatibility consultation. Or so we think."
Area Divorced Dads Know Nothing About Women, Everything About Diesel Engines, Smoking Pork Butt, and WWII Submarines
New stats reveal area divorced dads have a 100% proficiency in diesel engines, smoking pork, and WWII submarines, but are clueless about relationships.
Local Yard’s Fattest Squirrel Now a Round, Rolling Force of Nature
Lord Fatty McAcorn, a squirrel so round he's practically rolling, has taken winter prep to new extremes by eating everything in sight. Who...
Area Divorced Dads Know Nothing About Women, Everything About Diesel Engines, Smoking Pork Butt, and WWII Submarines
New stats reveal area divorced dads have a 100% proficiency in diesel engines, smoking pork, and WWII submarines, but are clueless about relationships.
Local Yard’s Fattest Squirrel Now a Round, Rolling Force of Nature
Lord Fatty McAcorn, a squirrel so round he's practically rolling, has taken winter prep to new extremes by eating everything in sight. Who...
Local Housewife Holds Strong Opinions on Geopolitics Despite Never Leaving Iowa
"I don’t need to go to Europe to know it’s a mess over there,” says Karen L., 52, who holds strong opinions on...
Man Claims “It’s About the Journey, Not the Destination” as Family Realizes They’ve Been Lost for 3 Hours
ocal man Jared F. was reported as saying, "It’s about the journey, not the destination," while stubbornly refusing to admit he’s been lost...
ADHD: The Art of Forgetting What You’re Doing While You’re Doing It
"ADHD is a masterclass in simultaneously doing everything and nothing. Tasks vanish like socks in a dryer, and somehow, we end up with...
Jay Cutler still being awesome, Bears quarterback arrested for DUI
Jay Cutler makes headlines for all the wrong reasons—again—and middle-aged Bears fans couldn’t be prouder. Now with a divorce and a mugshot, he’s...
Area Mom Thinks It’ll Be “Spooky Fun” to Drink Wine Out of a Pumpkin
"Janice R. thought drinking wine from a pumpkin would be 'spooky fun.' An hour later, she was passed out in the graveyard scene."
Local Man Takes Entire Family on Field Trip to Sheriff’s Office After ‘Learning the Law’ on YouTube
Local man Ted G. leads his family on an unexpected “field trip” to the sheriff’s office after trying to flex his YouTube legal...
Man Loses It After Friend Texts During Latest ADHD Induced Crisis
After juggling 50 tasks at once, local man’s focus shattered by casual text, erupts into fiery rage
Local Spider Judges Homeowner’s Halloween Decor
Local spider visibly unimpressed by homeowner's tacky Halloween web display, wonders where it all went wrong in synthetic web design.
Coworker Oblivious to “Damn, That’s Crazy” Cue, Continues Story Like It’s Riveting
"In an astounding feat of social obliviousness, local man Eric S. powered through a mundane story about his weekend drywall repair, despite his...
Man Who Bought Three Houses in His Life Feels Qualified to Lecture Banker on Mortgages; Is Completely Wrong
"Local man who’s bought three houses in his life is pretty sure he knows more than his banker about mortgages. He does not."
Man in His 30s Struggles to Answer, “What Did You Do This Weekend?”
“Staring into his coffee, Dave combed through a dim mental slideshow, struggling to recall anything worth mentioning from his weekend aside from TikTok...
Blind Date Win: He Isn’t a Murderer, She Isn’t Fat
In what sources are calling a resounding victory for the lowered expectations of dating in the modern age, local woman Linda M., 29,...
New Puppy Completely Unfazed by Owner’s Empty Threats of Shelter Return
"It’s like he doesn’t even understand I'm upset," says Jess, as her new puppy lovingly destroys her shoes.
Co-worker Tells a Story, With Breath So Bad It Makes Man’s Eyes Water
"The more he talked, the worse it got. It was like he had a three-course meal of garlic, roadkill, and onions just before...
Study Finds 98% of Hot Air Balloon Accident Victims Are White People
A new study shows 98% of hot air balloon fatalities involve white people, prompting scientists to dub it “The Latte Fatality Effect.” Could...
Man Loses 180 lb of Unhealthy Weight by Filing for Divorce
“I instantly dropped 180 pounds of negativity the moment those papers were signed. Divorce is the best diet plan out there!”
Man Stuck in Traffic Aggressively Honks at Car in Front of Him
“It’s like they don’t even care that I’ve got a 5:30 reservation,” Greg fumed, blaring his horn at the driver ahead, hoping to...
Lonely Woman’s “Cooking with Wine Night” Quickly Spirals Into Two-Bottle Bender
"There’s nothing like the taste of burning failure and Minute Rice,” Sarah said, wiping away a tear with a leftover chicken bone."
Local Man’s Wife Wants to Go to Farmer’s Market on Football Sunday, Doesn’t Understand Why That’s a Problem
Local man’s wife suggests a farmer's market trip on Football Sunday, completely oblivious to the devastating consequences for their marriage.
Woman’s Attempt to Secure Loan Thwarted by Lack of Credit, Stable Income, Collateral, Common Sense
"A local woman’s attempt to secure a loan was swiftly denied due to her severe lack of credit, income, collateral, and common sense."
Starting the Day with a Cigarette, a Red Bull, and Two Big Spoonfuls of Nutella Is Not “The Breakfast of Champions”
Dietician confirms: starting the day with a cigarette, a Red Bull, and two big spoonfuls of Nutella is not "the breakfast of champions,"...
Co-worker Tells a Story, With Breath So Bad It Makes Man’s Eyes Water
"The more he talked, the worse it got. It was like he had a three-course meal of garlic, roadkill, and onions just before...
Man Stands Right Next to You at Urinal, Tries to Start Conversation
In what can only be described as a modern tragedy, local man Kevin J. made the bold decision to stand directly next to...
Uncles’ Political Debate Ends, Both Somehow Completely Wrong
"It was like watching two blindfolded people have a sword fight in the dark—they’re both missing the point and each other."
Study Reveals Most Injuries in Professional Football Caused by Celebration Dances Gone Wrong
A new study reveals that more injuries in professional football are caused by post-touchdown celebration dances gone wrong than by actual gameplay.
