Dallas, TX – In a tragic turn of events for local man Jake Thompson, his happiness, which he had precariously balanced on the success of his fantasy football team, has taken a nosedive after an 0-3 start to the season—largely due to half his starting lineup suffering catastrophic injuries.
“I built this team with precision,” Jake explained, a mix of disbelief and sorrow in his voice. “I was sure this was my year. But then… one by one, they fell.” His voice cracked as he listed off names like Nick Chubb, Austin Ekeler, and T.J Hockenson—players he now refers to as “the walking wounded.”
Jake, who spent the entire offseason obsessively researching player stats, practicing mock drafts, and reading fantasy football blogs, believed he had constructed a championship-worthy roster. However, as each week passes, his dream of a fantasy football victory—and his overall will to enjoy life—fades further away.
“I’ve lost interest in pretty much everything else,” said Jake, who now spends most of his time frantically checking injury updates. “It’s hard to be happy when your entire season is crumbling before your eyes.”
His friends have grown concerned. “Jake used to be a chill guy, but lately all he talks about is his fantasy team,” said his roommate Greg. “He screamed at the TV for 45 minutes when his RB1 pulled a hamstring. I thought he was going to throw his phone through the window.”
While Jake has started the season with three straight losses, the injuries keep piling on, turning what was once his source of joy into a recurring nightmare. His league mates, however, are less sympathetic. “He talked so much trash after the draft, now look at him,” said fellow league member Ryan, who recently defeated Jake in what was described as “a mercy kill.”
Despite the bleak outlook, Jake insists he’s holding out hope. “Look, it’s only Week 4,” he said, unconvincingly. “Maybe my bench will step up, or maybe there’s a miracle waiver wire pickup I haven’t seen yet.”
At press time, Jake was seen refreshing his fantasy app, muttering to himself about trading for a backup quarterback and regretting the emotional investment he’s made in a game over which he has absolutely no control.
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