In a groundbreaking discovery for exercise science, local jogger Matt T. has revealed that the true secret to a successful run lies not in warming up, setting a pace, or finding a good route, but rather in curating the perfect playlist to distract him from the soul-crushing reality of cardio. According to witnesses at the local park, Matt reportedly spent close to 40 minutes scrolling through his music app, analyzing song tempos and reordering tracks based on what he thought “felt like a personal best kind of vibe,” only to end up running for a solid three and a half minutes before calling it a day.
“Look, you can’t just run, okay? You need a soundtrack that matches the emotional journey of going from ‘this is kind of fun’ to ‘I’m literally dying,’” Matt explained while shuffling between ’80s power ballads and aggressive EDM tracks. “When you’re out there trying to survive, music has to be on point. You can’t have a motivational slump at mile one or, god forbid, run out of bangers by mile two.”
The playlist, meticulously titled Beast Mode 2.0, featured a diverse selection of songs that were meant to evoke a “casual jogger’s rocky montage” feel. Each track had been carefully chosen based on Matt’s projected run milestones: upbeat pop for the warm-up, hard-hitting rap for his mid-run “second wind,” and ironically, a few softer indie tracks he called “the cool-down” he never actually gets to. Matt confessed he’s never made it past song five without breaking to rehydrate or “take a quick breather,” but he remains confident that “one of these days” he’ll find the right playlist-to-running ratio.
“People think running is about movement, but really, it’s about mood,” Matt mused, browsing his top choices and wondering if “Eye of the Tiger” might give him enough of a boost to attempt a whole mile next time. “Honestly, if people put as much thought into their playlists as I do, the world would be a much healthier place.”
Fitness experts say Matt’s behavior is more common than you’d think. “With modern technology, choosing the right playlist is often more exhausting than the actual exercise,” said one anonymous personal trainer. “We have clients who spend more time adjusting volume and tempo settings than burning calories. At this point, we’re calling it ‘cardio procrastination.’”
In a twist, Matt’s playlist, despite remaining largely unplayed, has since attracted a small following on social media, with over 500 people subscribing in hopes it might somehow inspire them to finally start running. Matt, meanwhile, plans to debut his next playlist, titled Marathon Mindset, sometime next spring, “or whenever he’s fully prepared to take on the first mile.”
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