When the Sunville Intramural Softball League handed out rule books this season, team “Pitch, Please” immediately zeroed in on a minor clause labeled “No Alcohol During Games.” Unfortunately for league organizers, the team took it less as a regulation and more as a polite guideline—like “Use Your Turn Signal” or “Limit Yourself to One Plate at the Buffet.”
“I mean, we show up, we bring our gloves, we wear semi-matching shirts—what more do they want?” said team captain Luke R. as he fished a light beer out of a cooler stuffed with what appeared to be an entire weekend’s worth of provisions. “We’re here for the love of the game… and maybe a few cold ones.”
Despite a season record of zero victories, the team has, by all accounts, achieved a higher level of success in the areas of camaraderie, hydration, and questionable snack choices. Team stats reveal zero home runs, five missed catches per inning, and approximately 14.6 beers consumed per game, a record unmatched in league history. Pitch, Please even took a brief timeout in the fourth inning of last Wednesday’s game to perform a ceremonial “Rally Shotgun,” a ritual they believe directly influences their luck on the field. The results were inconclusive, but spirits were certainly high.
Opposing teams have voiced mixed reactions. “At first, we thought they were just having fun,” said opposing shortstop Amy T. “But then they started doing this chant, ‘Double or nothing!’ every time they dropped the ball. By the seventh inning, they were high-fiving us for striking them out. It’s surreal.”
Meanwhile, league commissioner Carl B. has expressed mild frustration at the team’s relaxed interpretation of the rules. “We made it clear that alcohol wasn’t allowed, but they’re insistent it’s ‘part of their strategy,’” he said with a resigned sigh. “Technically, they’re not winning any games, so it’s hard to argue they’re gaining an advantage. It’s more like they’re challenging the definition of ‘participation.’”
Yet despite their dismal record and flagrant disregard for basic softball etiquette, “Pitch, Please” has amassed an impressive following of fans—who are mostly just friends, coworkers, and people who heard free beer was occasionally on offer. At the team’s last game, an estimated crowd of 12 showed up to cheer them on, each equipped with lawn chairs, coolers, and the same laissez-faire approach to rule-following.
Team member Sarah K., who admits she signed up “mostly for the vibe,” reflected on their strategy with genuine pride. “Yeah, we might not be, like, technically good, but look at us,” she said, gesturing to a huddle of laughing teammates, several of whom were struggling to remember the basic rules of softball. “This is what sports are all about: questionable decisions and an ever-expanding group chat.”
As the season draws to a close, speculation abounds on whether the team will face any consequences or merely be invited to a mandatory seminar on sportsmanship. Either way, “Pitch, Please” seems unlikely to change course.
“We may not have won a single game, but we’re leaving with memories—and honestly, I think that’s way better than a trophy,” said Luke R., raising a toast with his teammates mid-outfield. The commissioner, watching from the sidelines, simply rolled his eyes and made a note to review the alcohol policy yet again next season.
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