In a shocking revelation that sent Cowboys fans into a spiral of betrayal, Jerry Jones has confirmed that the last quarter-century of mediocrity has all been a carefully orchestrated prank on the team’s loyal supporters. Sources close to the situation report that Jones, the billionaire owner, and franchise puppet master, confessed he’s been pulling the strings just enough to keep the team relevant—but never too close to actual success.
“It was all about playing the long game,” said an anonymous insider. “Jerry would get this mischievous glint in his eye anytime they started doing too well. It was almost like he’d say, ‘I’ve got to step in before this team starts thinking they’re actually competitive.’” The source claims that Jones was heard remarking, “A few times we came close to winning in the postseason, and that was just too close for me. I had to step in. The joke’s been running for so long, I can’t have a Super Bowl messing things up.”
“America’s Team” or America’s Favorite Punchline?
With decades of heartbreak and dwindling trophy cases, the Cowboys have somehow maintained their identity as “America’s Team,” but this reveal has fans wondering if they were just America’s favorite joke all along. Every heartbreak—from the Romo fumble to the Dez Bryant “non-catch”—was, apparently, just part of the master plan.
“He’s played us like a fiddle,” said Mark P., a fan who proudly sports his Cowboys star tattoo. “Every season, I’d tell myself, ‘This is the year!’ But it turns out, he was probably up in the box laughing every time we missed a field goal or fumbled a game-winning snap.”
When asked why he kept the ruse going, Jones allegedly told insiders that keeping the Cowboys on the edge of greatness without ever actually achieving it was “the most exciting part.” “Look,” he supposedly confided over a glass of scotch, “if you keep a fanbase believing they’re just one piece away from greatness, they’ll never stop coming back. It’s like a multi-billion dollar magic trick. Houdini, but with a salary cap.”
Hope Springs Eternal…And Then Crashes Every January
At press time, the Cowboys were sitting at a perfectly average 3-3 record, teetering on the edge of playoff relevance—just close enough to keep fans hooked, but not close enough to inspire genuine hope.
Meanwhile, the toll on Cowboys fans has been severe. Studies show that average blood pressure among die-hard Cowboys fans is 30% higher during the regular season, with a 60% spike on Monday mornings after a particularly brutal loss. Beer consumption per capita among Dallas locals triples every Sunday night, with “emotional drinking” listed as the primary reason. Mental health analysts estimate that seasonal depression rates among Cowboys fans soar to over 75% by Week 15.
And perhaps most impressively, the average velocity achieved when Cowboys fans throw their remote controls at the TV after a fumble or interception clocks in at an impressive 35 miles per hour—approaching minor-league fastball speeds. “If only they could aim that energy at the field,” said one psychologist, “maybe they’d hit the Super Bowl. But until then, it’s broken remotes and shattered dreams.”
Despite the bombshell, Jones reportedly has no intention of changing course anytime soon. “As long as I keep selling out AT&T Stadium, why would I let them win?” he allegedly quipped. According to sources, Jones sees himself as a “performance artist” and views Cowboys fandom as his longest-running installation. “Who needs Super Bowl rings when you’ve got something much more valuable—a fanbase that thrives on heartbreak?” he said, raising a toast to another season of dashed hopes.
For the Cowboys faithful, this news is likely to sting for a while. But if Jones’s “art project” of shattering fans’ dreams can last 25 years, what’s to stop him from going for 30?
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