Local man Mike H., 29, is convinced that modern technology has completely ruined his dating prospects, despite what many would consider a few glaringly obvious hurdles: his poor hygiene and steadily increasing waistline.
“I don’t know what it is,” Mike lamented while polishing off his third sleeve of Oreos. “Ever since these dating apps took over, it’s like women just aren’t interested in real men anymore. It’s all about looks now, and that’s not fair to guys like me who have more to offer—like a vast knowledge of Marvel movies and a fridge full of expired takeout.”
Mike, who hasn’t done laundry in weeks and admits he’s been wearing the same stained sweatshirt for four days straight, believes his struggles with romance are directly tied to the rise of social media and dating apps. “It used to be that you could meet people in real life, where things like personality, charm, and your ability to order an entire pizza for yourself really mattered,” Mike explained. “Now it’s all filtered photos and swipe-left-this, swipe-right-that.”
As Mike spoke, the unmistakable odor of stale Doritos and body spray lingered in the air, a byproduct of what he calls his “natural pheromones,” which he is convinced technology is obscuring. “I don’t need a fancy cologne or daily showers like some guys,” he said. “If these apps would just let women experience the real me, they’d see I’m one-of-a-kind. It’s like tech is blocking my vibe, you know?”
Ignoring the fact that his diet consists largely of fast food and energy drinks, Mike remains adamant that the real issue is algorithms that favor men who, as he describes them, “have abs” or “don’t use the same bed sheets for three months straight.” He went on to explain that if dating profiles allowed for a more “holistic” approach, focusing on “inner beauty” instead of superficial qualities like “grooming” and “basic hygiene,” his prospects would undoubtedly improve.
“I used to think maybe it was something I was doing wrong, but then I realized—no, it’s definitely the apps. They’re rigged,” Mike concluded, scrolling through a dating app as his unwashed hair stuck to the back of his neck. “I’ve got way more to offer than these other guys, but if they don’t let me show off my personality in 10 seconds, how’s a girl supposed to know?”
Mike, whose weight has ballooned thanks to his sedentary lifestyle and frequent late-night snacking, believes that the right woman would appreciate his “dad bod” if only she could look past what he calls “minor details,” like his growing collection of fast food wrappers and the faint but ever-present odor of gym socks.
At press time, Mike was reportedly adding yet another selfie to his dating profile, captioning it “Just a chill guy looking for a down-to-earth girl,” as he confidently assured friends that it was only a matter of time before he found someone who could “look past the apps and see the real me—the guy who knows how to order the perfect combination of appetizers.”
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