Local Man Passionately Defends What He Believes the Constitution and Bible Say, on Twitter (He Has Read Neither)

In a stunning display of ignorance mixed with blind confidence, local man Jeremy S. took to Twitter this week to passionately defend the sacred principles of the Constitution and the Bible—two documents he has apparently never read. Armed with a collection of third-hand talking points, vague childhood memories, and an unshakable belief in his own rightness, Jeremy launched into a tirade against anyone who dared question his flawless interpretation of these revered texts.

“According to the First Commandment of the Constitution, we have the right to bear arms—no exceptions!” he tweeted, presumably confusing two entirely separate documents written centuries apart. “And God said, ‘Let there be freedom of speech, so I can say whatever I want without consequences!'” added Jeremy, who has likely never been within 10 feet of a civics textbook or a Bible not being used as a coffee table decoration.

As his tweet gained traction, Jeremy doubled down, offering deep constitutional insights like, “If it’s not in the Bible, it’s not real,” and “The Founding Fathers knew what Jesus wanted when they wrote the Declaration of Independence.” Unfortunately, Jeremy’s knowledge of both documents seems to be derived from bumper stickers, late-night talk radio, and occasional glances at social media memes.

Despite numerous attempts by Twitter users to provide context, facts, and, most importantly, links to actual texts, Jeremy remained steadfast in his beliefs. “Don’t need to read ‘em when I already know what they say,” he declared, before blocking everyone who disagreed with him.

When asked about his religious upbringing, Jeremy said he attended “church, like, a couple of times,” but was quick to add that “you don’t need to go to church to know God personally.” He also clarified that his deep understanding of the Constitution comes from “common sense,” rather than “fancy-pants ‘lawyer’ talk.”

At press time, Jeremy was reportedly hard at work on a new Twitter thread explaining how “science isn’t real” and that “the moon landing was definitely in the Bible somewhere.”