In a shocking turn of events that’s been years in the making, local man Kyle W., 32, once again logged into Call of Duty while slamming Mountain Dew and chowing down on Hot Cheetos, prompting his parents to give up on the prospect of grandkids and look into adopting a dog instead.
Kyle, who has been living rent-free in his parents’ basement since his early 20s, shows no signs of evolving beyond his current routine of late-night gaming, snack binges, and an impressive display of laundry procrastination. His parents, Ron and Linda W., finally reached a breaking point after witnessing yet another “Epic Killstreak” followed by the familiar sounds of crunching Cheetos and aggressive button-mashing.
“Yeah, we were holding out hope,” said Ron, nursing what appears to be a permanent sigh. “But after the 15th Mountain Dew can hit the floor today, I turned to Linda and said, ‘Maybe it’s time we get a dog. At least we’ll have something to look forward to.’”
The search for a new family member started shortly after this epiphany. According to reports, the W.’s are looking for a medium-sized dog with low expectations, much like the ones they’ve developed for their son.
“We just need a break from all the disappointment,” Linda explained. “The dog won’t talk back, it won’t order DoorDash four times a week, and at this point, it has a better chance of giving us grandkids than Kyle does.”
The couple’s biggest decision now? Whether to adopt a rescue or opt for something more exotic, like a poodle. Meanwhile, Kyle remains unaware of his parents’ plans, largely because his headphones are permanently glued to his head, and he hasn’t ventured upstairs since Christmas.
“I’d be more surprised if he even noticed the dog,” said Linda.
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