In what can only be described as a high-risk, low-reward medical experiment, local man Gary P. has turned to a seemingly unconventional method of self-care: discount chicken meat from the grocery store’s sketchy bargain bin. With healthcare costs skyrocketing and insurance options more confusing than quantum physics, Gary has decided to hedge his bets on supermarket poultry to provide all the medical intervention he needs.
“I figure with the amount of antibiotics they pump into these birds, it should be enough to knock out whatever’s wrong with me,” said Gary while casually stuffing several packages of 99-cent-per-pound drumsticks into his cart. “Why pay for an overpriced doctor visit when I can just roast a chicken and kill two birds with one stone? Pun intended.”
Gary’s logic, though questionable, isn’t entirely without merit. Studies show that certain factory-farmed meats do indeed come with a side order of pharmaceutical additives. Unfortunately, that’s where science and Gary’s “chicken cure” part ways. Medical professionals have been quick to dismiss his theory, calling it “utterly ridiculous” and “a recipe for food poisoning, not healing.”
But Gary isn’t swayed by medical experts, claiming they’re just part of “Big Pharma’s ploy” to keep people from realizing the hidden health benefits of affordable poultry.
“They don’t want you to know the truth,” Gary muttered as he packed away the drumsticks, wings, and several bags of questionable chicken nuggets. “The truth is, there’s a whole black market of health cures right there in the frozen food aisle.”
“What the FDA doesn’t want you to know is that there’s probably more antibiotics in this chicken than what a nurse would give you at urgent care. Plus, it comes with fries if you buy a family meal.”
Unfortunately, Gary’s medical wisdom ends there. When asked if he was aware that antibiotic resistance is a serious public health issue, he responded with a blank stare and the sentence, “But… antibiotics kill all the germs, right?”
Gary has reportedly consumed approximately six pounds of “cure-all” chicken in the last week. Though he’s still plagued with a persistent cough and nagging lower back pain, he insists he’s feeling better. “It’s only a matter of time before this kicks in. Just you wait,” he said, washing down his fourth chicken leg with a bottle of suspiciously generic cola.
As local healthcare workers continue to monitor this walking public health crisis, Gary remains steadfast in his commitment to poultry-based medicine. “If this doesn’t work, I might switch to pork. I’ve heard bacon grease works wonders for arthritis.”
The only question left is: Will Gary survive his latest health hack or is he just one chicken wing away from a visit to the ER? Place your bets.
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