Ladies, let’s face it: we live in an era of mixed signals. He says he’s happy with “a simple life” yet has eight different streaming subscriptions. He swears he’s “chill,” but his fantasy football meltdown says otherwise. If you’re sick of trying to interpret the male psyche through emojis and cryptic texts, fret no more. We’ve cracked the code on exactly what makes men happy — and, spoiler alert, it’s not what you think. Here’s a definitive guide, meticulously assembled by women who know just enough to be totally wrong.
1. Throw Away His Stuff Regularly
If there’s one thing a man truly adores, it’s coming home to find his carefully curated “mementos” have mysteriously disappeared. That vintage Star Wars figurine he had since childhood? Gone. The dusty stack of gaming magazines from 2009? In the trash. Nothing makes a man feel more understood than knowing his prized possessions are on a one-way trip to the curb. It’s the ultimate show of love: out with the old, in with the new.
2. Ask Him About His Day and Then Give Him Your Opinion on It
Men are tired of pretending they like to talk about themselves. So when he starts with the usual “My day was fine” spiel, jump right in with your thoughts on how his job could be so much better if he just “applied himself a little more.” Throw in a few motivational quotes for good measure. Men just love unsolicited advice, especially if it’s delivered with a dash of concern for his “potential.”
3. Constantly Rearrange the Furniture
Did you know men are biologically drawn to unpredictability in their own homes? That’s right! They absolutely love walking into the living room to find that the couch is now facing a wall and the TV is in a totally different corner. Nothing says “I understand your need for excitement” quite like rearranging his favorite room weekly. It’s like a surprise party he didn’t know he wanted and definitely didn’t ask for.
4. Make “Cute” Nicknames Stick
There’s no better way to convey affection than by bestowing upon him a nickname that will haunt him forever. Whether it’s “Snuggle Pumpkin” or “My Little Schmoopie,” a wildly embarrassing nickname is the perfect touch. And don’t forget to use it in public, ideally around his friends and colleagues. Men live for these adorable displays of intimacy that turn all eyes in their direction.
5. Hide His Snacks to Promote Healthier Habits
Contrary to popular belief, men secretly wish they’d eat more kale and quinoa. Take the lead by stealthily removing his favorite snacks from the pantry and replacing them with celery and hummus. When he notices his beloved cheese puffs have vanished, he’ll thank you with a look that’s half awe, half despair. A man’s happiness is always one health intervention away, and he’ll surely appreciate that midlife nutrition overhaul.
6. Set Up “Surprise” Double Dates with Couples You Know He Doesn’t Like
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but forced social situations make the heart grow even fonder-er. Surprise him with a casual hangout with couples he barely tolerates. Tell him it’s just “us” going out, then spring the ol’ bait-and-switch with an awkward meet-up involving deep discussions on cross-stitching and obscure Netflix documentaries. Trust us, men crave this. It’s like free therapy, except he’ll be even more grateful for you afterward.
7. Get Really into Zodiac Compatibility
Nothing says “I want to understand you on a spiritual level” like a thorough examination of your Zodiac compatibility. Dive headfirst into astrology and remind him regularly that he’s such a typical Virgo, even if he isn’t. Insist on comparing your birth charts for every life decision — whether it’s picking a vacation spot or buying a new couch. Men adore this level of insight and love hearing about how his rising moon is responsible for literally every personality quirk.
8. Insist He Reads Every Word of Your Favorite Book… Aloud
There’s no better way to bond than sharing the books that shaped your life. And who doesn’t love reading out loud, alone, for hours on end? Pick a classic you’re passionate about — perhaps one with a 40-page treatise on pre-revolutionary France — and insist he reads it, word for word, so you can “experience it together.” Men treasure this kind of literary togetherness, and he’ll be too emotionally moved to complain.
9. Plan an Elaborate Home Project That “We” Can Do Together
Men adore projects, especially the kind that take a whole weekend (or more) and require “both of us” to really dig in. Whether it’s repainting every room or installing a fancy herb garden, he’ll cherish this chance to bond over hours of shared labor. Bonus points if you act disappointed when he inevitably messes something up. Deep down, he’ll thank you for the quality time and the invaluable lessons in self-improvement.
10. Call Him Every Hour Just to Check In
Independence is overrated. A man’s true love language is an incessant, borderline obsessive number of check-ins. Schedule regular calls, ideally on the hour, to ask if he’s hungry, thirsty, or lonely, or just to make sure he’s alive. He might insist he doesn’t need these calls, but that’s just society talking. Deep down, he wants to know you’re there, watching out for him like a hawk, hovering like a true soulmate.
11. Adjust the Thermostat Because He’s Cold, Too — He Just Doesn’t Know It Yet
Despite what he may insist, your man is secretly freezing. Sure, he may say he’s comfortable, but deep down, his body is screaming for warmth. Go ahead and bump up that thermostat a solid ten degrees; he’ll thank you later. Men love the gentle embrace of a 78-degree living room, especially when it’s “just for them.” And if he starts complaining about the heat? Well, that’s just his way of saying thank you in his own special, sweaty way.
12. Surprise Him with a Sunday Adventure: Farmer’s Market or Pumpkin Patch During Playoffs
After a long week, your man deserves a break — and nothing says relaxation like a brisk outing to a crowded farmer’s market or pumpkin patch. Bonus points if it’s during the playoffs or postseason. He’ll appreciate the gentle reminder that there’s more to life than watching his team battle for glory. Bring him to sample artisanal cheeses, inspect seasonal gourds, and pick out a few decorative squash. Men love the thrill of a fall-themed scavenger hunt for the perfect pumpkin, especially when it means missing a critical game moment.
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