Month: October 2024
Nation’s News Media Finally Admits: “We Don’t Care If It’s True, As Long As You Keep Watching”
In a rare moment of collective honesty, the nation’s leading news outlets came together today to admit what many have suspected for years:...
Man Claims: Hearing Voices, Paranoia, and Smoking Crystal Meth Are Unrelated
Darren “D-Money” Johnson, 38, claims his severe paranoia and hallucinations are unrelated to his crystal meth use, despite being detained after alarming public...
Man Stakes Entire Happiness on Fantasy Football League, Most Starters Injured by Now, Off to 0-3 Start
Dallas, TX – In a tragic turn of events for local man Jake Thompson, his happiness, which he had precariously balanced on the...
Politicians Announce: Your Tax Money Is Being Used to Help Those Who Need It Most—Politicians and Their Families
"Thanks to your tax dollars, my brother’s consulting firm just got another government contract, and my daughter’s internship on the National Commission for...
Airport Baggage Handler Wins ‘Briefcase Toss Challenge,’ Accused of Picking Lightest Suitcase on the Flight
"Accused of picking the lightest suitcase, airport baggage handler Tony R. claims his toss was all about technique—not weight."
Woman Convinced Her New Business Opportunity Will Make Her Rich; Friends, Family Try to Explain It’s a Pyramid Scheme
Local woman Stephanie Moore, 28, is on the fast track to financial independence—or so she believes. While her friends and family have been...
Man High on Cocaine Believes He’s Making Brilliant Point
Tyler G., a 27-year-old, took center stage at a party after consuming cocaine, believing he delivered a profound monologue on politics and tacos....
Local Hero Disarms Locked Door Using Swiss Army Knife and Unparalleled Technical Genius
"At one point, he was using the corkscrew attachment. I think he thought it was some kind of advanced lock-picking technique, but it...
The Block Wonders: Are You Gonna Handle It or Nah?
"Look, all I'm sayin' is, if somebody called me out like that, I’d at least throw hands or something. You can't just let...
Scientists Discover That Saliva Causes Cancer
Scientists have now discovered that saliva may cause cancer—if swallowed in small amounts over long periods. You know, like what you’ve been doing...
