In a groundbreaking new study that’s certain to ruin every meal for the rest of your life, scientists at the Institute of Mildly Concerning Research (IMCR) have discovered that saliva may actually cause cancer—but only if swallowed in small amounts, over an extended period of time. Yes, you read that right: the very substance keeping your mouth from feeling like a sandpaper factory is now the newest item on the ever-growing list of things that could kill you. But don’t worry, it’s only if you swallow it… like you’ve been doing your entire life.
The study, which has already been dismissed by leading “common sense” experts as “completely absurd,” found that individuals who chronically swallow tiny amounts of saliva, day after day, year after year, may eventually develop a high risk of cancer. The results have led many to speculate on the impossible solution of “just stop swallowing,” though scientists advise against this unless you’re looking to replace your cancer risk with a sudden choking hazard.
“We couldn’t believe the data at first,” said Dr. Marla Q., lead researcher on the study, while choking back a few self-induced swallows. “But the numbers don’t lie. We now recommend that people… well, honestly, we have no idea what to recommend. Maybe spit into a bucket every few minutes? But that doesn’t seem practical either.”
Public Reactions: Panic Mode Engaged
Predictably, the public has reacted with the calm, measured grace we’ve come to expect in 2024. Mass hysteria has already broken out, with YouTube tutorials popping up on “How to Spit Elegantly in Public” and Facebook support groups for people “Living Saliva-Free” gaining tens of thousands of followers. In particularly alarming news, sales of mouth spittoons have skyrocketed overnight, prompting fears of a nationwide shortage of ceramic basins.
Local retail worker Dan L., who was seen purchasing an industrial pack of bibs and a gallon of mouthwash, expressed his deep concern. “Honestly, I’m more scared of this than I was of killer hornets. If I have to choose between dying of embarrassment because I’m spitting everywhere or dying of cancer, I’m not sure which one’s worse.”
Government Response: Coming Soon to a Useless Warning Label Near You
With this new study making headlines, the government has issued a statement promising to add saliva to the growing list of things Californians need a warning label for. Soon, every public water fountain, kissing booth, and ballpark concession stand will bear the infamous “May Cause Cancer” label.
“The science is still early, but it’s better to overreact now than underreact later,” stated a representative from the Department of Overzealous Health Warnings. They also warned that excessive attempts to “beat the system” by avoiding swallowing entirely could result in even more bizarre health consequences, like dehydration, or, in extreme cases, “forgetting how to eat food altogether.”
So, What Now?
For those wondering what the next steps are, researchers recommend staying tuned for future studies. A follow-up is already in the works to determine whether spitting is any better than swallowing, or if there’s a way to passively filter your own saliva through some sort of mouth-based sieve.
In the meantime, the safest bet is probably to just keep swallowing like you always have. Or maybe don’t. Honestly, nobody’s really sure anymore.
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