In a refreshingly candid press conference earlier today, a coalition of local and federal politicians proudly announced that taxpayers’ hard-earned money is being “put to great use” by helping those who truly need it the most—politicians and their families.
“We’re pleased to inform the public that their contributions are making a real difference,” said Senator Paul Edwards, grinning from ear to ear. “Thanks to your tax dollars, my brother’s consulting firm just got another government contract, and my daughter’s internship on the National Commission for Ethical Governance is going great!”
With budget transparency being a hot-button issue, officials thought it best to let the public know exactly where their money is going. According to the newly released fiscal report, a substantial percentage of the national budget has been funneled into what some are calling “the most important resource America has—its elected officials and their close relatives.”
“These are trying times, and we know Americans want their tax dollars spent wisely,” said Congresswoman Diane Porter. “Rest assured, we’ve put it towards invaluable programs like private school scholarships for senators’ children, five-star government retreats in the Caribbean for key political figures, and, of course, a generous pension plan for our second cousins, because they deserve it.”
Taxpayers, however, are left wondering how, exactly, this benefits them. “Wait, so none of this is going toward infrastructure or healthcare?” asked bewildered citizen and middle-class taxpayer Greg Daniels. “I thought when they said ‘help those who need it most,’ they meant, like, people struggling to make ends meet. Not the governor’s nephew who just bought a new yacht.”
Despite widespread confusion and outrage, politicians maintain that these funds are being used in the most effective way possible. “Look, we’re only human,” said Senator Edwards. “And humans need houses—sometimes several houses. And maybe a yacht or two. You have to remember that taking care of ourselves is how we stay sharp and able to serve the public… eventually.”
At press time, several officials were spotted boarding private jets for a taxpayer-funded retreat in the Bahamas, where they plan to “discuss strategies” on how to better allocate the remaining tax dollars toward “further enriching the public servants that make this country run.”
Leave a comment