Nation’s News Media Finally Admits: “We Don’t Care If It’s True, As Long As You Keep Watching”

In a rare moment of collective honesty, the nation’s leading news outlets came together today to admit what many have suspected for years: they couldn’t care less if the information they broadcast is accurate, as long as viewers keep tuning in.

“We’ve been playing this charade for a while now,” confessed Walter Dean, spokesperson for a major cable news network. “But at the end of the day, the truth isn’t what gets people glued to their screens. It’s drama, fear, and just the right amount of confusion to make you think we’ve got the answers—spoiler alert, we don’t.”

In a joint statement issued by executives from all the major networks, including FOX, CNN, MSNBC, and several local affiliates, the media finally lifted the veil on their longstanding business model. “We’ve realized that, as long as you’re mad, scared, or yelling at your uncle on Facebook, we’ve done our job. Accuracy? Eh, it’s a nice-to-have.”

According to Dean, the current landscape of clickbait headlines, overhyped news cycles, and constant sensationalism has been carefully crafted to keep viewers emotionally engaged—truth being more of a secondary concern, if considered at all. “Honestly, we were doing this for years before we thought, ‘Hey, why not just be upfront about it?’ People love a good story, whether it’s based on facts or pure speculation.”

The newly transparent approach has even led to an overhaul in the language used by networks. Terms like “breaking news” and “exclusive” will now be replaced with more honest phrases like “probably important but unverified” and “stuff we think might happen if you squint at it.”

“Accuracy is like dessert,” said one anonymous editor. “It’s nice, but it’s not why you show up for the meal. The main course is the outrage, the juicy conflict, and, of course, the commercial breaks.”

Not to be outdone, cable news giant networks have already started airing promotions for their new slogan: “Don’t trust us, but don’t turn us off either.”

At press time, viewers were tuning in with the same fervor as always, with many admitting they didn’t mind the new candor. “Honestly, I just keep watching to see what everyone’s fighting about next,” said long-time viewer Nancy Phillips. “Truth? That’s for documentaries or whatever. I just want to yell at the TV.”

Meanwhile, newsrooms across the country celebrated their newfound freedom from journalistic integrity by brainstorming even wilder, less grounded storylines to ensure next week’s ratings remain sky-high. One network teased a segment titled, “Is Your Neighbor a Lizard Person? Find Out at 9.”