Chaos erupted at a local café yesterday when area resident Greg H. inadvertently transformed a small, quaint breakfast nook into a crime scene straight out of a horror film. What began as a mild nosebleed for Greg turned into a full-fledged disaster after he sneezed with such force that his body became a human paintball gun.
“It happened so fast,” one traumatized witness said, visibly shaken and still clutching her latte like it was the only thing keeping her tethered to reality. “One minute, he was wiping his nose with a napkin. The next, it was like someone detonated a ketchup grenade.”
Greg, who had been battling a persistent nosebleed for the better part of 15 minutes, was seated in a corner booth attempting to finish his avocado toast in peace. Unbeknownst to him, his nasal passages had other plans.
“I could feel the pressure building up,” Greg later told reporters while trying to salvage his dignity. “I thought maybe I could just hold it in, but when the sneeze came, there was no stopping it. It was like my face turned into a high-pressure hose of shame.”
A Violent Eruption of Bodily Fluids
The scene was nothing short of nightmarish. Patrons sitting near Greg were caught in the crossfire, as an unfortunate combination of snot, blood, and what some described as “liquefied bad decisions” sprayed across tables, chairs, and the unfortunate souls who had simply hoped for a quiet morning.
“I was mid-bite,” said James R., whose bagel will likely go down as the last meal he ever enjoys in public. “The next thing I knew, I was part of some kind of live-action abstract art exhibit. I’ve never seen so much…fluid…in my life.”
The café’s staff was no less horrified. Melissa, a barista who had been making Greg’s oat milk latte, reportedly dropped the drink mid-pour upon witnessing the biological explosion.
“I’ve seen some nasty stuff in this job,” she said, still processing the event with a thousand-yard stare. “But this? This was on another level. I was more concerned for the safety of our mop than I was for him.”
Emergency Cleanup Efforts Underway
Health officials were immediately contacted to assess the scene, with one café employee describing the aftermath as “a scene straight out of ‘Chernobyl,’ but grosser.”
Café manager Linda K. was quick to implement what she called “biohazard protocol,” a contingency plan involving rubber gloves, an excessive amount of paper towels, and an industrial-sized bottle of bleach. Patrons were offered refunds and complimentary hand sanitizer on their way out.
“I don’t know if we’ll ever recover,” Linda said, surveying the damage. “We’re closed for the rest of the day. Maybe the rest of the week. Or month. It depends on how many more towels we can get.”
“It was like a Jackson Pollock painting, but gross”
Greg’s Post-Sneeze Reflection
Greg, now fully aware of the terror he’d unleashed, was mortified.
“I’m so sorry,” he told café patrons who remained shell-shocked and dabbing at their clothes. “I thought it was just going to be a normal sneeze, you know? I didn’t expect it to turn into the grossest thing this place has ever seen.”
As for the future, Greg plans to carry tissues with him at all times and has already scheduled a follow-up appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist. “I’ve learned my lesson,” he said. “Next time I feel a sneeze coming, I’m heading straight to the nearest bathroom or possibly a fallout shelter.”
In the meantime, the café remains closed for “deep cleaning” as health inspectors assess whether the site can be deemed safe for human occupation again.
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