New Puppy Completely Unfazed by Owner’s Empty Threats of Shelter Return

In a shocking revelation for first-time pet owners, local couple Nick F. and Jess L. discovered that their new puppy, a tiny ball of fluff and infinite energy named Bark Twain, couldn’t care less about their whispered threats of returning him to the shelter. The threats, which range from “I swear, I’ll pack your bags tonight” to “You’re on thin ice, mister,” are apparently as meaningless to the puppy as the concept of not eating shoes.

“It’s like he doesn’t even understand I’m upset,” Jess lamented, staring at the wreckage of a brand-new sneaker and what used to be a remote control. “I say, ‘Bark, do that one more time, and you’re going back,’ and he just looks at me like I’ve offered him a new chew toy.”

Experts in puppy behavior suggest that the puppy’s total lack of remorse could stem from his complete absence of language comprehension, self-awareness, and moral compass, which many owners mistakenly assume their pets possess. “Puppies lack the cognitive ability to care about your vague threats,” noted Dr. K. Lyons, an animal behaviorist. “They’re essentially tiny, unhinged toddlers with sharper teeth.”

According to the couple, Bark Twain’s only reprieve from chaotic destruction is his afternoon nap, where he curls into a deceptively angelic ball, temporarily concealing his true identity as a pint-sized agent of chaos. “That’s the only time he’s peaceful. We actually have to tiptoe around him just to keep it that way,” Nick admitted.

Friends and family have expressed a mix of sympathy and bemusement, noting that Nick and Jess once proudly announced they “read all the training books.” Jess is reportedly questioning why none of the books warned her that a puppy’s primary ambition is to decimate every household object in sight while ignoring heartfelt pleas for mercy.

In the meantime, the couple plans to continue their campaign of empty threats and misplaced optimism, occasionally dreaming of the day Bark Twain will settle down and become a model canine citizen.

“We know that day is probably a myth,” Nick sighed, “but it’s all we’ve got.”