In what can only be described as a modern tragedy, local man Kevin J. made the bold decision to stand directly next to a stranger at the urinal and—against all societal norms—attempted to spark up casual conversation. The incident, which occurred Tuesday at a bustling downtown mall restroom, left witnesses baffled and deeply uncomfortable.
The victim, Greg S., who had entered the restroom with the simple, honest goal of relieving himself, could hardly believe the audacity of what was about to transpire. After selecting the urinal farthest from the door (as per the unspoken but ironclad law of public bathroom etiquette), Greg assumed he would enjoy a brief, silent, and entirely uneventful experience. But then Kevin happened.
Despite there being at least five open urinals—each one further away and more socially acceptable—Kevin sauntered right over to the one directly next to Greg. Worse yet, he didn’t just stand there silently like a normal person. Oh no. Kevin opened his mouth, locked eyes with his unsuspecting neighbor, and unleashed the most dreaded weapon of all: small talk.
“You from around here?” he asked, with a level of nonchalance that suggested this wasn’t the first time he’d violated the sacred bathroom code.
Greg’s fight-or-flight instincts immediately kicked in. Torn between bolting mid-stream or suffering through the conversation, he opted for the latter. “Uh… yeah. Kinda,” he mumbled, staring hard at the wall, as though it could somehow transport him to a universe where this wasn’t happening.
As Kevin continued to babble about topics no sane person would discuss during such a vulnerable moment—weekend plans, the weather, and at one point, cryptocurrency—the mood in the bathroom grew tense. Other men, who had mercifully taken their places at urinals a respectful distance away, froze in collective horror, silently thanking the gods it wasn’t happening to them.
“I just don’t understand why someone would ever do that,” Greg later said in an exclusive interview with The Garbage Gazette. “There’s no reason for conversation at a urinal. None. We’re not here to bond.”
According to bathroom experts, Kevin’s behavior is what’s known as “urinal proximity violation,” an offense punishable by immediate awkwardness, followed by lingering social anxiety.
“You from around here?”
Why are you like this, Kevin?
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