In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming—except maybe everyone—local woman Sarah M. embarked on what she dubbed “Cooking with Wine Night” on Thursday, only to find herself deep into a second bottle of Pinot Grigio and slumped in front of the Lifetime channel with a pint of Rocky Road. The planned gourmet evening? Minute Rice and existential dread.
“It started out so innocent,” Sarah slurred in a post-pint interview with herself, via her bathroom mirror. “I had this recipe I found online—some kind of chicken thing with a fancy sauce. But, you know, the wine… it just got really friendly.”
Step One: Pour Yourself a Glass… and Then Another
The evening began with every intention of combining light culinary artistry with moderate alcohol consumption. However, it became apparent early on that the chicken would never stand a chance against the aggressive wine pouring.
“I chopped the onions, I think,” Sarah recalled. “But then I had to pour some wine in the pan, and… one thing led to another. Suddenly the pan was just, like, full of wine.”
What followed was a blur of minutes, or perhaps hours—Sarah isn’t sure—during which she managed to burn the chicken beyond recognition and realized Minute Rice was her best option. “At least rice can’t betray you,” she muttered darkly before face-planting into the couch.
“There’s nothing like the taste of burning failure and Minute Rice,” Sarah said, wiping away a tear with a leftover chicken bone.”
Step Two: Skip the Cooking, Go Full Lifetime Mode
The night really took a nosedive when, after acknowledging the culinary massacre in her kitchen, Sarah retired to the living room. Armed with a pint of Rocky Road and the comforting predictability of the Lifetime channel, she abandoned all pretense of having a productive evening.
“The lady in the Lifetime movie was also going through some stuff. We really connected,” she said, tears mingling with melted ice cream. The plot was entirely forgettable, though Sarah swore it had “something to do with a cheating husband,” which, she admitted, hit a little too close to home for someone with a non-existent dating life.
The Rocky Road to Rock Bottom
At around 11 p.m., after polishing off the second bottle of wine and half-heartedly spooning the last of the Rocky Road directly into her soul, Sarah passed out, leaving the Lifetime movie playing on loop in what can only be described as a low-budget emotional crime scene.
By the next morning, Sarah emerged from the blanket fortress she had constructed, surrounded by empty wine bottles, a near-empty pint of ice cream, and the crushing weight of last night’s choices. “I guess I’ll do ‘Cooking with Wine Night’ again next week,” she sighed, already planning a sequel no one asked for.
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