Man Born in 1991 Realizes He’s Now a Living Fossil
David B., a 32-year-old local man who still considers himself “pretty with-it,” was recently struck by an existential crisis when a group of teenagers referred to his birth year, 1991, as “the late 1900s.” What started as a casual conversation quickly escalated into what David now describes as “an out-of-body experience,” where he suddenly realized he was no longer a part of the cool crowd but a walking historical artifact.
“It was like they were talking about ancient Rome or something,” David muttered, staring wistfully at the skateboard gathering dust in his garage. “I mean, yeah, I guess technically 1991 is in the late 1900s, but do they have to say it like I’m some kind of prehistoric cave dweller?”
The teens, whose average birth year is somewhere around 2007—just before David’s iPod finally gave out—casually asked him what life was like “back then.” As David attempted to explain dial-up internet, AIM, and the high of winning on GoldenEye 007, he quickly realized the gap was too wide to bridge.
“I said ‘Backstreet Boys,’ and they blinked at me like I was speaking Latin,” David added, recounting the horror. “One of them asked if they were related to One Direction.”
Youth’s Staggering Cluelessness Solidifies David’s Decline Into Obscurity
After the ordeal, David spent an hour in the fetal position, scrolling through Spotify’s ’90s nostalgia playlist while Googling if men in their 30s are still considered “young” in any culture.
“Look, I’m not even 40,” David said, trying to regain some sense of dignity. “But apparently to the youth, I’m already closer to Gandalf than anything remotely cool.”
The teenager’s use of the phrase “late 1900s” has since been confirmed as part of an alarming new trend in Gen Z’s lexicon. While it may sound like the beginning of a Ken Burns documentary, to David and others born in the ’80s and ’90s, it feels like a verbal slap in the face.
“When they asked if I had a favorite TikTok dance when I was younger, I realized I needed to sit down. I barely survived the Macarena!”
Will David Ever Recover? Probably Not
David’s friends, most of whom are similarly clinging to the remains of their youth, have also started to come to terms with their slow slide into irrelevance. Mike S., David’s college roommate, admitted he has been “ghosted” by every app that doesn’t offer tech support. “I tried downloading Snapchat last year, and the app just deleted itself in protest,” he confessed.
In a desperate attempt to prove his vitality, David has been spotted shopping for “cool” jeans and considering a second go at learning how to play guitar. However, the teens’ haunting words remain lodged in his psyche.
“They called me ‘sir’ at one point,” David whispered, his voice trembling. “I think they were being polite, but it felt like they were offering me an AARP membership on the spot.”
The damage is done, and David knows it. Despite his best efforts to keep up with trends, his fate is sealed. He’s now doomed to be one of those people who remembers when things were cool, not what is currently cool.
As David put it, “I guess I’m just one Creed album away from getting into woodworking.”
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