Last Saturday, neighborhood mom Janice R., 43, decided to ditch her usual box wine for a hollowed-out pumpkin, insisting it would be “spooky fun.” The seasonal twist was a hit for a solid hour before Janice began her descent from “festive mom” to “mom down.”
“I just thought it’d be cute!” she slurred early in the evening, proudly cradling her pumpkin cup. Neighbors reported Janice enthusiastically toasting every refill with a “Witch, please!” until her puns devolved into something less coherent.
By hour two, Janice was spotted passed out in the middle of the yard’s makeshift graveyard, pumpkin still in hand, while her husband awkwardly explained to concerned parents that no, she wasn’t part of the decor.
“First, it was ‘fun Halloween mom,’ and then suddenly it was ‘passed-out pumpkin mom,’” said neighbor Tony L., who watched the transformation unfold. “We’re all used to her usual box wine, but this took it to a whole new level.”
In the spirit of Janice’s “spooky fun” method of holiday celebration, the staff at The Garbage Gazette conducted some in-depth research on the stats surrounding suburban moms hiding their alcoholism behind being festive, because it’s apparently not a problem if it involves arts and crafts. Here’s what we found:
- 87% of suburban moms say they only drink to be “in the spirit” of the season—up from 53% last year, thanks to the rise in DIY cocktail “craftivities” like hollowed-out pumpkins, peppermint schnapps wreaths, and the wildly popular “Margarita-in-a-Mason-Jar Easter Egg.”
- 3 out of 4 moms surveyed admit to feeling zero guilt about their wine intake if it’s inside a decorative vessel, with the majority saying it “doesn’t count” if they had to cut, carve, or hot glue something for it first.
- 64% believe drinking wine out of festive vessels actually makes them “better parents,” with 45% agreeing that their children benefit from seeing them “have a little fun.”
- 52% of moms claim they consume “no alcohol whatsoever”—unless it’s served in a novelty glass, from a box labeled “limited edition fall flavor,” or involves at least three autumnal spices.
- 98% of respondents agreed that “sipping” a festive drink counts as self-care, not drinking. This explains why most party invite lists now include “BYO Pumpkin or Cup Shaped Like Santa” to stay on theme.
- 82% of suburban moms are “relieved” to no longer be hiding their wine intake after discovering that as long as they Instagram it, it’s not a habit—it’s “content.”
Janice’s seasonal antics have left the neighborhood wondering what she’ll come up with for Thanksgiving—likely a wine-filled turkey leg. But whatever festive vessels suburban moms choose next, the staff of The Garbage Gazette is raising a glass (or, let’s be honest, a pumpkin-shaped sippy cup) in celebration of suburban moms everywhere who prove that no holiday is complete without a little covert creativity. Here’s to you, ladies! Cheers!
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