In a groundbreaking study that no one really asked for, scientists have confirmed that regular viewers of major news channels might be less informed about the world than the uncontacted tribes of the Amazon. And the kicker? At least the tribes don’t have the misfortune of filling their heads with the anti-fact buffet that modern news channels seem to serve daily.
According to the study, conducted by a team of psychologists and anthropologists who bravely took on the task of watching hours of cable news, regular viewers emerge not just misinformed, but filled with a cocktail of paranoia, misguided outrage, and bizarrely specific opinions on things they don’t actually understand. One researcher noted, “If you asked an Amazonian tribesman about inflation, they’d have no idea. If you asked a cable news viewer, they’d be able to rant about it for 30 minutes, despite understanding none of the economics involved.”
The scientists pointed out that uncontacted tribes, free from the media’s influence, remain blissfully unaware of the latest scandals, political outrage, or celebrity mishaps, focusing instead on things that actually matter in their immediate lives. “The beauty of uncontacted tribes,” said Dr. Martin K., the study’s lead researcher, “is they have no concept of artificial narratives designed to stoke fear, anger, or confusion. They don’t even know what a Kardashian is. And that, honestly, is the purest form of knowledge.”
The study also shed light on the so-called “anti-information” phenomenon. Unlike the harmless blank slate of ignorance, anti-information actively replaces what could be useful knowledge with, as Dr. K. put it, “A smorgasbord of twisted half-truths, dramatized non-issues, and meticulously fear-mongered nonsense.” While Amazonian tribes understand the intricacies of their local flora and fauna, many cable news viewers believe that facts change depending on who’s reporting them—and will argue with absolute conviction about things they learned a mere five minutes prior.
Cable news executives were unavailable for comment, though a spokesperson for one network hinted that they’d love to speak on the record but were currently busy planning segments on “the grave dangers of household appliances” and “why the sky is falling—again.” Meanwhile, scientists say they’re considering the benefits of sending cable news viewers into the jungle for a month. “It might be the only way to undo years of media-induced mental clutter,” Dr. K. explained. “Plus, it would be a great episode on reality TV.”
In the meantime, the research team offers this simple piece of advice to anyone seeking real knowledge about the world: if you’re looking for answers, try turning off the TV. Or, as Dr. K. added with a smirk, “Find an uncontacted Amazonian tribe to hang out with. You’ll get way more useful insights on survival.”
Leave a comment