In a groundbreaking display of optimism, local man Brad T. reportedly checked his refrigerator seven times Wednesday evening, only to find that, shockingly, it was still devoid of anything resembling ready-to-eat food.
“There’s no food here—just ingredients to make food,” Brad exclaimed, shaking his head in visible frustration. Despite owning several cooking appliances, he appeared visibly baffled by the concept of transforming said ingredients into an actual meal.
The fridge, described as “hauntingly well-stocked” by Brad’s roommate, contained staples such as eggs, cheese, fresh vegetables, and several unopened jars of pasta sauce. Yet, none of these items qualified as food in Brad’s eyes. “I’m talking about real food, like leftover pizza or those microwave burritos. I’m not trying to invent a new recipe here,” he clarified while staring forlornly at a Tupperware filled with what appeared to be shredded chicken.
Sources close to Brad confirmed that this isn’t the first time he’s conducted a futile fridge sweep. “He always assumes food will magically appear if he closes the door and opens it again,” said his sister, Katie T., who witnessed the seventh and final check via FaceTime. “At this point, it’s like a superstitious ritual. He even sighs in the same defeated way every time.”
Desperate for a quick fix, Brad eventually turned to his freezer, where he unearthed an ancient bag of frozen peas and a half-eaten box of fish sticks. Still unsatisfied, he reportedly announced, “Guess I’m just not hungry,” before settling for two slices of bread smeared with peanut butter.
At press time, Brad had turned on Netflix, where he was seen scrolling through his food delivery apps with the same level of determination he used on his refrigerator, vowing to “meal prep eventually” while ordering a large pepperoni pizza.
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