In a groundbreaking survey of local divorced dads, it has been scientifically confirmed that their collective knowledge of women remains staggeringly low. According to the results, 98% of respondents admitted they had “no idea what the hell she meant by ’emotional support.'” However, when it comes to diesel engine maintenance, slow-cooking pork butt, and World War II submarine trivia, these men boast a 100% proficiency—because, obviously, those are the real priorities in life.
“I still don’t get why she left,” said Carl T., 48, scratching his head over a copy of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus that he found in his ex-wife’s donation pile. “But ask me to break down the specs of a 12-cylinder Cummins diesel, and I’ve got you covered.”
The report, conducted by the Institute for Divorced Dad Studies (IDDS), revealed that 75% of the men surveyed can name at least five different smoking methods for pork butt, while only 3% could correctly identify what constitutes a “heartfelt conversation.” The survey further found that 92% of divorced dads believe the phrase “We need to talk” is best handled by taking a long drive in a truck that smells faintly of pork fat and motor oil.
Emotional Needs vs. Diesel Maintenance
In a revealing visual, a Venn diagram was produced to illustrate the stark contrast—and surprising overlap—between a woman’s emotional needs and the maintenance needs of a diesel engine. The overlap? Consistency and attention. Neglect either one, and you’re in for a world of problems.
“We might not understand why we’re no longer married, but we sure as hell know how to get a perfect smoke ring,” noted Joe P., 52, as he proudly stood by his BBQ smoker, sporting an apron emblazoned with the phrase “Low & Slow.” He later revealed he has won local smoking competitions for his pork butt but still can’t figure out why “communication is important” was cited in his divorce papers.
“I don’t really get why Sharon left,” Joe continued as he checked the temperature on his 12-hour smoked pork butt. “But hey, I figured out how to perfect the bark on this bad boy, and that’s all the emotional satisfaction I need.”
In another finding, 90% of respondents could detail the specific functions of the German Type VII U-boat, while 0% had ever managed to decode the mystery of the “silent treatment.” Steve R., 55, whose garage now houses a 1:10 scale model of a Balao-class submarine, insists that “understanding women is way harder than understanding sonar technology.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m clueless about women,” Steve added, standing next to model of a WWII submarine. “I mean, I know they like wine and stuff. But can they name all six types of U.S. Navy torpedoes from the 1940s? I don’t think so.”
Carburetor Knowledge vs. Relationship Understanding
A scatter plot was created to show the negative correlation between a divorced dad’s knowledge of carburetors and his ability to understand why she left. As carburetor expertise increases, emotional understanding tends to plummet.
The outliers suggest that a rare few dads manage to grasp both—but for most, their emotional intelligence flatlines somewhere around the time they rebuild their first turbocharger.
The study also uncovered that divorced dads have collectively watched over 5,000 hours of YouTube videos on diesel engine repairs since their divorces, with 0 hours dedicated to relationship therapy. In contrast, 88% of participants said they’d rather reassemble a turbocharger than “talk about their feelings.”
To no one’s surprise, the study also revealed that 58% of divorced dads have Googled “how to win her back” while surrounded by a haze of smoke from their backyard BBQ pit, only to abandon the search entirely once they saw a YouTube suggestion for a “how-to” video on diesel engine turbocharging.
Time Spent on Activities Post-Divorce
A pie chart breakdown shows where a divorced dad’s time truly goes. The biggest slices are dedicated to YouTube tutorials on diesel engines and perfecting pork butt recipes, with a small sliver reserved for thinking about calling their ex. Relationship self-help barely makes an appearance.
As of press time, the dads were seen gathered in a garage filled with engine parts and smokers, perfecting their pork rub recipes and waxing poetic about the advantages of diesel over gasoline engines. Meanwhile, none were any closer to understanding why their marriages imploded.
Additional Shocking Statistics:
At press time, additional research from the IDDS revealed the following shocking statistics about divorced dads:
- 87% of divorced dads believe that buying a new set of power tools is a valid substitute for emotional intimacy.
- 64% have tried to fix a broken relationship using the same logic they apply to fixing a lawnmower: “Just needs a new part and some WD-40.”
- 92% have thought about starting a podcast about World War II submarines but are still “waiting for the right moment.”
- 58% are convinced that spending a weekend alone smoking a pork butt counts as “self-care.”
- 100% agree that nothing solves life’s problems quite like a cold beer and an afternoon spent tinkering with a diesel engine.
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