In what sources are calling a resounding victory for the lowered expectations of dating in the modern age, local woman Linda M., 29, and self-described “nice guy” Brian F., 33, successfully completed a blind date last Saturday without either party encountering a dealbreaker. Linda, clutching her pepper spray in her purse, admits her primary hope was simply “not being lured into a sketchy alley,” while Brian’s main objective was that Linda appeared to have “just one chin, instead of a double or a triple.”
Linda, who prepared by sharing her location with three separate friends and developing an intricate escape plan involving a fake emergency call, was relieved when Brian seemed “only moderately condescending” during dinner. “He mentioned he does CrossFit only four times,” she said, “so it wasn’t, like, totally unbearable.”
Brian, meanwhile, confessed to some initial apprehensions. “I just thought, you know, it’s not fair to ask too much of a woman, but also, like, some level of basic fitness wouldn’t hurt. I mean, she had just one chin, instead of a double or a triple,” he added, explaining how a ‘clean lifestyle’ is “kind of a dealbreaker.”
Sources confirm that the evening began awkwardly, with Linda subtly positioning herself near the exit and Brian discreetly sizing her up as she arrived. The pair bonded over mutual grievances: Linda lamented “the number of basic safety precautions women have to take,” while Brian expressed frustration that “people make such a big deal about food choices.”
“Yeah, it was a bit of a struggle finding common ground,” Linda admitted. “But then we found a lot to talk about when I explained how exhausting it is trying to survive as a single woman, and he nodded sympathetically, saying something about how hard it is to maintain a keto diet.”
Despite these rocky beginnings, the date culminated in a “nice, platonic hug,” with Linda offering a sigh of relief as Brian confirmed that, in his own words, “she’s not, like, unhealthily obsessed with dessert or anything.”
Linda’s friend Tara R. was reportedly thrilled by the outcome. “He didn’t murder her, and he didn’t leave her crying in the bathroom,” she said. “That’s what we call a five-star review in dating these days.”
As for Brian, he described the evening as “pretty alright” and added that he’d “consider hanging out again,” though he noted, “only if she’s cool with splitting the check next time.”
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