MOSCOW — A group of Black Lives Matter activists has bravely taken their fight for racial justice to the streets of Moscow, demanding that Russia elect its first Black president—despite not speaking Russian, understanding Russian history, or realizing that Russia is 97% ethnically Russian.
Standing in the shadow of the Kremlin, the protesters held up signs reading “Black Czars Matter” and “Rasputin Would Have Been Black If Russia Wasn’t Racist,” all while chanting slogans about systemic oppression to a deeply confused and mildly amused audience of onlookers.
“I mean, America had a Black president. France had a Black president… probably. It’s Russia’s turn,” said group leader Tyler J., who was unable to name a single Russian president beyond “that shirtless dude on a horse.”
The activists’ protest quickly caught the attention of Russian authorities, specifically some serious-looking men in black uniforms marked “ОМОН” (Otryad Mobilny Osobogo Naznacheniya), which the activists mistook for a local chapter of BLM.
“At first, we thought they were here to march with us,” said protester Ashley M. “They had all the riot gear, and their uniforms were black, which, you know, symbolically felt like an allyship thing. But then they started speaking Russian really aggressively, and it was like… whoa.”
Things escalated when one activist climbed a Lenin statue to drape it in a Pan-African flag, declaring, “This is a decolonization zone now.” Within minutes, the activists were introduced to what they later described as the “enthusiastic hospitality” of Russian law enforcement.
Following the protest, members of the group expressed shock that they were not celebrated as liberators.
“We just assumed Russia would be super receptive to our message,” said activist Trevor B. from the safety of a U.S. embassy holding cell. “I mean, they interfere in U.S. elections, so clearly they care about our democracy, right?”
Russian officials released a brief statement regarding the incident, which, when translated, read: “We do not know what these people wanted, but we know they do not want it anymore.”
As of press time, the activists were being advised to book the next flight out—assuming they still had passports, dignity, or functioning tailbones.
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