In what can only be described as an all-out assault on his senses, local office worker Greg H. was subjected to a tale so foul in delivery, he briefly considered calling OSHA. The culprit? His co-worker Todd L., whose halitosis could double as a weapon of mass destruction.
The incident took place in the break room of a modest mid-level insurance firm, where Greg was just trying to enjoy his microwaved leftovers in peace. That tranquility, however, was shattered when Todd entered the room and initiated what he called “a quick story” about his weekend trip to the hardware store. What followed was a combination of vivid descriptions and air so toxic it might have violated the Geneva Convention.
“I don’t know what he ate—or more importantly, when he last brushed his teeth—but that wasn’t just bad breath,” said Greg, dabbing his eyes with a napkin. “That was something else. My eyes were watering. I’m pretty sure I could taste his breath. I didn’t know that was possible.”
“The more he talked, the worse it got. It was like he had a three-course meal of garlic, roadkill, and onions just before walking over to tell me about lawnmowers.”
Local experts (i.e., everyone else in the office) agree that Todd’s breath has been a topic of discussion for months now, yet no one has found a tactful way to address it. Susan M., who shares a cubicle with Todd, mentioned that she’s developed a habit of discreetly sliding mints toward him during meetings—though her hints have gone tragically unnoticed.
As for Greg, he’s currently weighing his options. “I’m thinking about keeping a portable air purifier at my desk or maybe getting one of those masks you see on construction sites. Whatever it takes to survive the next ‘quick story’ he feels compelled to share.”
Todd was unavailable for comment, likely because he was too busy buying more onions for his next “lunch.”
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