In a tale as old as time—or at least as old as same-sex marriage rights—two grooms have called it quits before the “I dos,” thanks to an escalating feud over who gets to wear the coveted wedding dress.
Sources close to the couple, Mark D. and Jonathan P., say the argument started innocently enough when the pair visited a boutique to finalize their wedding attire. Mark allegedly joked about “rocking the dress better than Jonathan ever could,” sparking what can only be described as a couture cold war.
“It started as playful banter,” said their mutual friend, Lisa T. “But then it turned into a runway showdown. They were both trying on gowns, and let me tell you, the energy shifted real fast when they both chose the same dress.”
Witnesses say the boutique owner initially tried to mediate by suggesting they both wear tuxedos, but the idea was dismissed as “heteronormative nonsense.” One friend suggested two dresses, but Mark and Jonathan refused to look “like they were starring in a bridal-themed buddy comedy.”
Negotiations broke down when Mark, in a dramatic display, stormed out in the dress, claiming he looked “hotter and more emotionally available in white.” Jonathan, visibly irate, retorted, “You think you’re the bride? You can’t even commit to a Netflix series!”
The fallout has reportedly left both men scrambling to reclaim deposits on venues, florists, and—most importantly—the single wedding dress that neither can bear to return, but also can’t afford on their own.
Friends and family are split over the decision, with Mark’s camp accusing Jonathan of being “too controlling” while Jonathan’s side says Mark’s obsession with the dress was “a red flag from the beginning.”
Though the relationship has ended, both men have vowed to remain in each other’s lives—at least until they get through the holiday season or one of them starts dating someone hotter.
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