In what can only be described as a groundbreaking display of misplaced enthusiasm, local man Doug S. reportedly unleashed his most divisive political views during a routine call with a customer service representative Wednesday. The conversation, which was initially centered on troubleshooting his Wi-Fi connection, quickly took a hard turn toward Doug’s unsolicited take on the nation’s current economic situation, the “moral fiber of society,” and how he feels “only one candidate” really “gets it.”
“I thought we were done after he finally reset his router,” said Monica T., a customer service representative who, until recently, considered herself reasonably immune to the emotional demands of the job. “But then he started asking if I was worried about ‘the direction this country is heading.’ I told him, ‘Sir, I’m just here to help with your internet connection,’ but he didn’t seem to understand. Next thing I knew, I was hearing about his theories on why modern society is crumbling because people stopped drinking from the hose.”
As Doug elaborated on his beliefs in a narrative that ranged from 5G conspiracies to the decline of the nuclear family, Monica’s patience reportedly wore thinner than the corporate script that bound her to the line. Sources close to her report that after the 27-minute political tirade, she quietly murmured, “This is why I started drinking in college.”
Monica, a recent graduate, reportedly considered dusting off her “dark days” college habits. “I tried to bring the conversation back to his router, but Doug was already too far gone, talking about how ‘the mainstream media’ had it in for ‘people like us.’ Apparently, ‘people like us’ meant people who just wanted to watch Matlock reruns without Wi-Fi interruptions and share unwelcome political views with the first person unlucky enough to answer the phone.”
Doug’s wife, Tina S., commented that she had “no idea he felt so strongly about all this,” adding that he “doesn’t even vote in the local elections.” When asked why he would go on such a tangent with a stranger, Doug explained, “People don’t talk anymore, ya know? We used to have conversations. Now it’s all emails and emojis. I just figured she’d get where I was coming from.”
While Doug seems unaware of the havoc he unleashed on the other end of the line, Monica is already weighing her career options. “I’m not saying I’ll go back to boxed wine and existential crisis-level contemplation,” she clarified, “but if one more customer tries to draw me into a debate on why gluten-free foods are ‘the work of the devil,’ I might just start attending those Tuesday karaoke nights again.”
As the call ended, Monica reminded herself to keep a flask out of reach—a small victory, at least for now. Meanwhile, Doug, completely unaware of the toll he’d taken on his unwitting audience, hung up feeling “pretty good about how that went,” later recounting the experience to his family with a sense of accomplishment. “I think I really opened her eyes,” he said.
Suggested photo description: A young customer service representative stares blankly at a computer screen with a look of suppressed anguish as a disheveled middle-aged man, holding a router in one hand and gesturing passionately with the other, leans in close, clearly mid-rant.
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