Carl B., a self-proclaimed business mastermind and full-time disability recipient since 2012, took to social media this week with a bold claim: he could outmaneuver every Fortune 500 CEO alive today. Carl’s confidence in his executive prowess is only matched by his struggle with matching socks, an ordeal that has baffled him for nearly a decade.
“If I were in charge of a Fortune 500, I wouldn’t be making the boneheaded decisions these clowns are,” Carl declared in a post squeezed between a Minions meme and a link to an MLM scheme he’s “totally not selling.” “Unlike these out-of-touch suits, I know what real Americans want: cheap prices and fat bonuses. It’s not rocket science.”
Despite not having held a full-time job for over a decade, Carl often lectures his family on their “poor financial habits.” He believes his unique life experiences give him a competitive edge over the likes of Elon Musk, Tim Cook, and Jamie Dimon.
Carl, whose most notable leadership feat was chaperoning his niece’s 5th grade field trip, insists today’s CEOs are clueless. “First off, I’d cut all the woke nonsense. Second, I’d use the savings to reinvest in, you know, actual stuff people buy. Boom—profits through the roof.”
Debra L., Carl’s girlfriend, was quick to endorse his business acumen. “Carl’s really smart. He even knows how to read stock charts – well, mostly. And he’s got lots of ideas on how to keep people from unionizing,” she said, highlighting Carl’s many hours spent arguing on Reddit.
Despite his lack of formal business experience, Carl argues that running a corporation isn’t hard. “It’s like managing your own house but bigger. Just balance the checkbook and make sure people do their jobs,” he explained, seemingly forgetting he hasn’t balanced a checkbook since the Obama era.
Insiders hint that Carl’s next venture might be a run for local office to “really shake things up.”
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