In a story that’s somehow both relatable and deeply troubling, local man Dave R. confessed that his biggest fetish isn’t bondage, role play, or even the allure of mystery—it’s financial domination.
Yes, Dave, a self-proclaimed “wallet submissive,” claims there’s no greater thrill than opening a letter from the IRS and seeing that dreaded notice of owed taxes.”I mean, people talk about the rush of getting a paycheck, but that’s nothing compared to the sheer ecstasy of owing thousands,” said Dave, who has memorized the IRS interest rate table and can name more tax codes than he can ex-girlfriends.
“There’s just something about debt. It’s like, if capitalism is gonna crush me anyway, why not make it hot?”
Dave explained his journey into financial domination began innocently enough—just a few credit card bills here, a student loan there. But when the IRS first notified him of an audit, he realized he was “in too deep.”
“It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before,” Dave admitted, staring longingly at a stack of unopened envelopes marked “Urgent.”
“The power dynamic. The thrill of knowing they can garnish my wages anytime. People don’t get it—they think taxes are just a chore, but it’s an art form, a ballet of late fees and compounded interest.”
Friends and family are “mostly confused,” says his roommate, Kara P. “But look, I’m not here to judge. I just wish he’d stop using words like ‘domme’ and ‘sub’ when he talks about his financial plan.”
For Dave, no romantic rendezvous compares to the heart-racing moment when he sees a penalty notice in the mail.
“People talk about ‘adulting’ like it’s something to be proud of,” he scoffed. “For me, it’s just pure, unfiltered pleasure.”
Dave’s therapist, however, remains concerned, noting that his particular brand of “fiscal masochism” could ultimately lead to bankruptcy—or worse, a complete breakdown in his finances.
“But maybe that’s what he’s looking for,” the therapist added thoughtfully, “He might actually want to bottom out financially.”
As for Dave, he remains blissfully, tragically hooked. He’s recently taken up side gigs in order to accrue even more tax obligations, adding, “2024 tax season is just around the corner, baby. It’s gonna be a real fiscal frenzy.”
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