By now, homeowners everywhere are digging into their Halloween decor stash, pulling out bags of fake cobwebs and plastic spiders to drape over their bushes and porches. But one local resident is less than impressed by the results. In fact, he’s downright horrified.
Skeeter the Spider, a long-term “web designer” and local pest control enthusiast, recently watched in barely contained outrage as homeowner Lisa F. tore down his carefully crafted web, only to replace it with a “cheap knockoff” version that, he says, doesn’t even capture the basic geometry of a web.
“It’s not even sticky,” Skeeter was overheard grumbling from his spot in the upper corner of Lisa’s front window. “No tensile strength, no insect-catching functionality—just loose, unstructured fluff. I mean, she even went for white. Have these people even seen a spider web?”
According to sources close to the arachnid, Skeeter spent over five nights painstakingly constructing his web, balancing between structural integrity and aesthetic appeal. He had even captured a few “choice flies” in the process, flies he notes “could have been a great snack stash for the winter if not for Lisa’s ‘decorating.’”
Neighbors reported seeing Skeeter watch the entire scene with a look that can only be described as arachnid disdain, eight eyes blinking in disbelief as Lisa unraveled the crinkly, synthetic webbing and tossed a handful of plastic spiders on top. “As if that’s believable,” Skeeter allegedly muttered, shaking his cephalothorax.
At press time, Skeeter remained perched on his porch spot, silently judging Lisa’s clumpy and highly-flammable handiwork while trying to make sense of humanity’s baffling aesthetic priorities.
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