In a refreshingly optimistic take on modern dating, local woman and self-proclaimed “romantic realist” Sara H. recently declared that she’s “probably only about four or five horrifically toxic relationships” away from true love. The announcement came shortly after a particularly spectacular breakup, where her ex cited “spiritual incompatibility” and “general lack of empathy” as reasons for the split.
“I mean, look, it’s a process,” Sara explained while sipping her fourth pumpkin spice latte of the morning. “You have to kiss a few frogs, get ghosted a few times, maybe date a narcissist or two who casually destroys your self-esteem. But every misadventure gets me closer to my real soulmate. Statistically speaking, right?”
Sara, 29, has been navigating the rocky waters of the dating pool for nearly a decade, and though she’s developed what her friends call a “worryingly high tolerance for red flags,” she insists she’s on track. “Sure, I could probably see a therapist and work on my attachment issues,” she acknowledged. “But where’s the fun in that? I think if I can just endure a few more emotionally barren relationships, I’ll be good to go.”
Her dating history, as described by close friend Lindsay T., reads like a “who’s who” of walking red flags. There was Brad, who “didn’t believe in labels, or consistent communication.” Then came Todd, who took Sara to see his favorite band—an experimental jazz quartet that only played on public transit—and then ghosted her the next day. Most recently, she endured a six-month stint with Kyle, who reportedly considered himself a “professional gamer” but mostly spent his days napping and asking Sara to Venmo him for snacks.
“After Kyle, I almost gave up,” Sara admitted, pausing for dramatic effect. “But then I realized, I’m just on a hero’s journey. Some people get there in three tries, and some of us have to get emotionally scarred by a few more Tinder catastrophes. It’s all part of the process.”
Sara’s family has been… cautiously supportive. “We tell her to keep looking for the one,” her mother, Debra, admitted. “But in the meantime, we’re preparing for a new career phase if she decides to take up writing a memoir titled Fifty Shades of Poor Choices.”
When asked if she had any tips for others in similarly disastrous dating situations, Sara encouraged “radical acceptance” of one’s own questionable taste. “Listen, you’re going to date a guy who swears he’s ready to settle down right up until he ‘realizes’ he’s still figuring out his chakras. Or maybe a girl who has a 15-point list of dealbreakers but no job. It’s just part of the journey.”
Still, Sara’s optimism remains unshaken. “Maybe my soulmate is just out there working on himself, learning how to be slightly less terrible. Or maybe he’s only like two steps away from joining a cult. Either way, I’m willing to put in the work.”
As for what’s next, Sara says she’s keeping her expectations “realistically low.” She’s considering re-downloading dating apps, perhaps doing some “light emotional excavation” on her commitment issues, and reworking her Tinder bio to subtly mention her preference for partners who don’t consider empathy optional.
Until then, she remains ever hopeful that true love is just one or two more disappointments away.
Leave a comment