Local man Tyler G., 27, was reportedly riding a euphoric high after consuming a “respectable” amount of cocaine at a party last night, convinced he was delivering a groundbreaking monologue about politics, the universe, and why tacos are the perfect food—despite the fact that absolutely no one could follow what he was saying.
Eyewitnesses confirmed that Tyler, eyes wide and hands moving at lightning speed, launched into a 45-minute rant that was supposed to connect capitalism, ancient civilizations, and modern dating apps, though by the end, no one was entirely sure how these topics were related, if at all.
“He started by saying something about how we’re all, like, cogs in the government’s washing machine or something,” said partygoer, Derek. “At first, it seemed like he had a point, but then he started comparing Wall Street to a bunch of squirrels, and it just… it just unraveled from there.”
According to those in attendance, Tyler paused briefly to snort another line of cocaine off the kitchen counter before returning to his impassioned speech, clearly convinced he was on the brink of an intellectual breakthrough. “Listen, bro, listen, you don’t get it! It’s all connected, like… tacos, right? You see, tacos are, like, the ultimate system, because they’re, like, balanced and full of synergy or whatever,” Tyler reportedly shouted at an increasingly uncomfortable crowd, while gesturing wildly with a half-eaten burrito.
“He was pacing back and forth, talking about the Illuminati and some kind of taco-shell algorithm,” said fellow partygoer Sarah. “We just nodded along, but honestly, none of it made any sense. I don’t think he even knew what he was saying.”
Tyler, however, remained blissfully unaware of how little his words actually meant, believing he had enlightened everyone with his “revolutionary” insights. “I’m, like, blowing their minds right now,” he reportedly muttered to himself, entirely oblivious to the glazed-over expressions of his audience. “I’m basically Socrates.”
At one point, Tyler even attempted to draw an elaborate diagram of his “theory” on a napkin, which ultimately consisted of a series of circles, triangles, and what appeared to be a crude sketch of a taco. “This, this right here, is everything you need to know,” Tyler proclaimed, holding up the napkin proudly, before stumbling over his own feet and dropping it into a nearby bowl of guacamole.
As the night went on, witnesses say Tyler’s speech became more fragmented, with him abruptly switching between topics such as the secret power of mushrooms, how “time doesn’t exist,” and why his ex-girlfriend didn’t “appreciate the brilliance” of his career as a part-time DJ.
At press time, Tyler had passed out on the couch, still mumbling something about the “energy of triangles” and vowing to “definitely write a book on this stuff” when he woke up.
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