Local man Dave R., 34, found himself in an existential crisis Monday morning when faced with an increasingly daunting question from his co-workers: “So, what did you do this weekend?”
Staring blankly at his coffee, Dave combed through a dim mental slideshow of events, struggling to recall anything worth mentioning. “I, uh…think I ordered DoorDash? Maybe Thai food? And then there were some naps,” he said, his voice trailing off as if he were narrating the world’s least thrilling Netflix docuseries.
Sources close to Dave confirm that his weekend primarily consisted of a marathon TikTok session spanning approximately five hours, where he somehow stumbled upon British carpentry videos, hamster obstacle courses, and conspiracy theories about potatoes. After this, Dave reportedly mustered the energy to fold a single basket of laundry, an event he described as “pretty productive.”
When pressed, he recalled dozing off halfway through an afternoon TV marathon and ordering DoorDash twice – activities he relived with a sense of accomplishment usually reserved for winning a regional sporting event. “I think I went outside at one point,” Dave added, though this statement remains unverified by witnesses or security footage.
By Monday afternoon, his coworkers began dropping subtle hints that no one else would ask him about his weekend ever again. Dave, however, remained unfazed, ready to tackle another equally “exciting” weekend in just five days’ time.
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