In what can only be described as an Olympic-level feat of multitasking gone horribly wrong, local man Greg H. reportedly flew into a blind rage this Tuesday after his friend, Dan M., sent a text at exactly the wrong time. Greg, who was already attempting to balance no fewer than 50 unrelated tasks simultaneously, found his brain overloaded by the sound of his phone buzzing, setting off a chain reaction that led to a complete mental breakdown.
Greg, a man who has long suffered from a case of ADHD so powerful it could generate enough energy to power a small city, was reportedly trying to work on his laptop, pay a few bills, clean the kitchen, organize his comic book collection, and perfect his sourdough recipe—all at once. When Dan’s innocent “Hey man, you busy?” hit Greg’s phone, the situation quickly escalated into a full-blown catastrophe.
“Why the hell would you text me NOW?!” Greg screamed, veins popping from his forehead like some sort of mini Hulk about to explode. “You KNOW I’m trying to do 50 things at once!”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man attempt to fold laundry, respond to work emails, and write a novel all while cursing his Wi-Fi for being too slow,” said Dan M. “But apparently, me asking if he was free was the final straw.”
According to those familiar with Greg’s condition, his ADHD has evolved into what experts are calling “industrial strength,” meaning it no longer responds to common treatments like meditation, therapy, or gentle reminders to “just focus on one thing at a time.” Friends close to the situation claim Greg’s ability to start new projects has reached such alarming heights that he’s simultaneously constructing a birdhouse, knitting a scarf, and trying to learn French—all of which are half-finished.
“It’s not that Greg doesn’t want to respond to texts,” explained a psychiatrist specializing in hyperactivity disorders. “It’s just that the simple act of replying would require him to pause the 34 different browser tabs he has open and stop alphabetizing his grocery list. For someone with Greg’s level of ADHD, this is akin to asking a marathon runner to finish the race on one leg.”
After the outburst, Greg was reportedly seen attempting to calm himself down by picking up yet another project—building a time machine to prevent the text from being sent in the first place. Sources say the time machine is about 30% done.
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