Local man Brad C., a 56-year-old “experienced” homebuyer who has purchased a grand total of three houses over his lifetime, reportedly spent a solid 20 minutes in his bank’s office yesterday enlightening his mortgage advisor, Sarah M., on the finer points of mortgages. Brad’s confidence was only slightly undercut by his near-total misunderstanding of how mortgages actually work.
“I just wanted to help her understand a few things,” said Brad, who vaguely remembers reading about interest rates on an investment blog circa 2008. “I know what they don’t teach you in mortgage school,” he added, despite being utterly unaware that “mortgage school” isn’t a thing and that Sarah has, in fact, handled more mortgages before lunch than he has in his entire life.
According to bank sources, Sarah has been in the mortgage business for 15 years and has closed well over 3,000 loans, often before most people finish their second cup of coffee. Still, Brad was undeterred. “I tried explaining to her that banks are just after your money,” he said, while apparently failing to grasp that “money” is, in fact, the primary purpose of a bank.
Sarah later reported that she politely nodded as Brad launched into a wildly inaccurate breakdown of “loan amortization.” At one point, Brad pulled out a yellowed notebook containing “notes” he made during his first home purchase in 1996, which included a diagram that appeared to compare mortgage payments to “feeding pigeons bread.”
“He was really passionate,” Sarah admitted, “just confidently incorrect in every conceivable way.” The banker allegedly suppressed several sighs as Brad explained why his last mortgage had a lower interest rate than the current one, failing to grasp the concept of “fluctuating interest rates,” which she carefully tried to explain no fewer than seven times.
To Brad’s credit, he appeared genuinely convinced he was doing a public service. “Look, I’ve been around the block a few times. I’m just sharing wisdom they don’t want you to know,” Brad said, unaware that the “they” in question was, in fact, his mortgage lender, and that this secret knowledge was something his banker could explain in under three minutes—if she hadn’t already by page two of the mortgage application.
By the end of the meeting, Sarah reported feeling “equal parts exasperated and slightly amused,” noting, “At least it’s better than the guy last week who tried to pay his mortgage with and EBT card.”
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