Local man Peter J. has once again assured himself—and anyone else within earshot—that he’s totally going to take out the trash. Like, any minute now. Despite the overflowing garbage can that’s been threatening to turn his kitchen into a landfill for three weeks, Peter insists that he’s just moments away from grabbing that bag and walking it outside. “I’m on it,” he says, without any hint of irony.
Sources close to Peter (his neglected trash bags) report that they’ve heard this before. In fact, they’ve been hearing it every day since Labor Day, but who’s keeping track? Peter, a man known for his good intentions but tragically short attention span, keeps finding more pressing matters to attend to—like rearranging his sock drawer, watching “just one more” episode of some random YouTube series, and contemplating the deeper meaning of snack choices.
“It’s on my to-do list,” Peter assured himself while scrolling through social media for the 14th time today. “I just need to finish this one thing first.”
“Honestly, I was going to take the trash out yesterday,” Peter said, shifting uncomfortably as the pile of garbage loomed in the background like a monument to procrastination. “But then I remembered I had to organize my Spotify playlists. It’s all about priorities, you know?”
Meanwhile, the trash continues to multiply, gaining sentience and possibly filing for squatters’ rights. Peter’s friends and family have grown used to the excuses, though they’re starting to suspect that taking out the trash may never be at the top of his list. “It’s not that I don’t want to do it,” Peter explains, “it’s just that my brain keeps telling me there are, like, 50 other things I need to do first.”
At press time, Peter was seen staring at the trash bag with determination, vowing—yet again—that today would be the day. “For real this time,” he muttered, as he sat back down to Google ‘best productivity apps for people with ADHD.’
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