In a groundbreaking act of self-empowerment, a coalition of the nation’s obese women has officially declared that bathroom scales are “fatphobic,” citing their ongoing oppression by numbers that fail to account for personal happiness, inner strength, or “the beauty of a well-earned pizza night.”
“Scales are nothing more than tools of judgment that reduce our complex, multifaceted bodies to a single, meaningless number,” said Linda Cartwright, spokesperson for the newly formed group, Scales Are Fatphobic (SAF). “It’s time to stand up against these oppressive devices and embrace a more inclusive, empowering way of understanding health—one that doesn’t shame us for enjoying a third serving of dessert.”
The announcement has sparked a national movement, with women across the country tossing their bathroom scales into the garbage, or in some cases, upcycling them into “body-positive art installations,” in an effort to reclaim their dignity. “Why should my worth be tied to what an outdated piece of machinery says about me?” Cartwright continued. “What if I feel like 250 pounds of fabulousness today? The scale doesn’t know that.”
Instead of the traditional scale, SAF has proposed a new, more inclusive system to measure well-being. The group is currently advocating for health to be measured in a variety of ways, including but not limited to:
- The number of compliments received in a week
- How confident someone feels in a new pair of leggings
- How many tacos one can eat in a single sitting while maintaining eye contact with a partner
- Total happiness experienced while binging an entire season of The Great British Bake Off in one weekend
“Body diversity is beautiful, and so are the unique ways we express ourselves, whether that’s through cake or snacks,” said Cartwright. “No two women are alike, so why should we let scales flatten us into one cold, hard number?”
While critics argue that scales remain an important tool for monitoring health, SAF’s supporters are standing firm, suggesting alternative measurements like “vibe checks” and “emotional fullness” should take precedence over outdated concepts like BMI. “Let’s focus on what truly matters,” said Cartwright, “like how great we feel after eating that full family-size lasagna. That’s the kind of scale we should be using.”
At press time, the movement had garnered significant traction online, with hashtags like #ScaleFree and #FatIsFabulous trending on social media. In a symbolic victory, SAF also announced plans for a public bonfire where members can toss their scales into a flaming pit of body positivity and leave the weight of judgment behind.
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