In a shocking revelation that has left absolutely no one in disbelief, local dietician Jamie P. has confirmed that a breakfast consisting of a cigarette, a can of Red Bull, and two heaping spoonfuls of Nutella provides “almost zero nutritional value.” This statement came as a blow to Trevor M., a 32-year-old local man, who has passionately defended his daily breakfast ritual as “an energy boost for champions.”
“It’s basically a high-performance fuel for my mornings,” Trevor argued while taking a drag off his cigarette, washing it down with a swig of Red Bull, and chasing it with what he calls a “Nutella shot.” According to Trevor, this trifecta of stimulants and sugar has gotten him through everything from Zoom meetings to his daily existential crisis.
A Bold Breakfast Choice
Dietician Jamie P., however, isn’t buying it. “It’s like starting your day with a bomb of caffeine, nicotine, and sugar. I mean, it’ll wake you up—I’ll give him that—but that’s about the only benefit. There’s no protein, no fiber, no healthy fats, just a fast track to regrettable life choices.”
Jamie went on to explain that while many consider breakfast to be the most important meal of the day, Trevor’s version “completely misses the point.” The cigarette, while calming in Trevor’s mind, does nothing but exacerbate his questionable dietary choices, and the Nutella—which Trevor proudly refers to as “hazelnut spread”—is little more than dessert disguised as breakfast.
“You might as well just eat cake and chase it with a shot of espresso,” said Jamie. “At least that’s honest.”
A Hero in His Own Eyes
Despite the damning verdict from a licensed professional, Trevor remains unshaken. “Look, champions don’t eat oatmeal,” he scoffed, standing in front of his collection of empty Red Bull cans. “You think LeBron’s out here eating egg whites? I don’t think so. This is the breakfast of warriors—pure adrenaline and taste.”
Trevor even suggested his breakfast might be on the cutting edge of a new trend. “Mark my words, in five years, this’ll be the next big thing. They’ll have Red Bull-sponsored Nutella spreads at every major fast-food chain.”
When asked about his long-term health goals, Trevor simply shrugged. “Health is a mindset, man. As long as I feel like a champion, I am one.”
Final Verdict
While Trevor continues to defend his “breakfast of champions,” experts in the field of nutrition unanimously disagree, stating that it’s more likely to lead to heart palpitations than heroics. But if there’s one thing Trevor knows for sure, it’s that he’s sticking with his morning ritual, regardless of what “science” has to say.
“Let them eat kale,” he said with a smirk, cracking open another Red Bull.
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