In a groundbreaking revelation that’s sure to send Wall Street execs into a frenzy and give aspiring influencers a new reason to hit the grind harder than ever, an all-female team of scientists (backed by what can only be described as a “panel of highly qualified bimbos”) has confirmed what men have long suspected: for every $100,000 a man makes per year, his penis grows an extra inch.
The study, conducted in what can only be assumed is a glitter-filled laboratory that plays Dua Lipa on repeat, claims that there’s a direct correlation between a man’s salary and the length of his ahem endowment. “It’s purely biological,” explained Dr. Tiffany L., the lead researcher and Instagram influencer with a PhD in ‘Gains and Bicepsology.’ “As a man’s net worth increases, so does his physical… presence.”
While the science behind this phenomenon remains unclear, the results are enough to send the entire crypto-bro community scrambling to check their latest portfolios. “It’s like a magic trick,” said Chad T., a self-proclaimed entrepreneur, while adjusting his Supreme baseball cap. “You make a couple grand trading NFTs, and boom, you’re packing heat. But when I lost a bunch in Dogecoin? Let’s just say things got… shorter.”
In addition to the scientific analysis, bimbos from various fields were consulted to validate the findings. “I totally knew this already,” said Kelsey B., a part-time model and full-time believer in star signs. “I dated this guy with a finance job, and like, every bonus he got, I swear things just… expanded.”
The implications of this research are expected to reshape the very fabric of modern society, as wealth-hungry men now have even more incentive to take on grueling 80-hour work weeks and get into real estate. Meanwhile, salary transparency advocates are pushing for companies to include net worth figures on Tinder profiles.
For those men not raking in the big bucks? Well, it seems the “personality” market just took a major hit.
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