Self-Care
Woman Lets Jesus Into Her Heart; He Hasn’t Called or Texted Since
"Local woman lets Jesus into her heart, but three weeks later, she’s still waiting for a follow-up text."
Woman Adds Lemon to Her Alkaline Water; Scientists Confirm She Has No Idea What Alkaline Means
"Adding lemon to alkaline water might be the ultimate science-meets-vibes fail—because if it’s wrong, at least it feels so right."
Area Divorced Dads Know Nothing About Women, Everything About Diesel Engines, Smoking Pork Butt, and WWII Submarines
New stats reveal area divorced dads have a 100% proficiency in diesel engines, smoking pork, and WWII submarines, but are clueless about relationships.
Area Mom Thinks It’ll Be “Spooky Fun” to Drink Wine Out of a Pumpkin
"Janice R. thought drinking wine from a pumpkin would be 'spooky fun.' An hour later, she was passed out in the graveyard scene."
Local Man Performs Annual ‘Change of Bed Sheets’ Ritual
After 364 days of rigorous non-laundry, local man Greg M. undertakes his yearly bed-sheet change, declaring his bed a 'sanctified' zone.
Jogger Spends More Time Picking Playlist Than Actually Running
"Local jogger Matt T. spends more time curating the ultimate 'Beast Mode' playlist than actually running – because true cardio requires a soundtrack."
Guy at Gym Still Doesn’t Know How to Use Half the Equipment, But He’s Not Asking
"Local gym-goer Todd R. has been misusing fitness equipment for six months and refuses all assistance, claiming he’s 'just here for the vibes.'"
Local Man Plays Another Round of Call of Duty, Sparking Parents’ Dog Adoption
"The dog won’t talk back, it won’t order DoorDash four times a week, and at this point, it has a better chance of...
