In what experts are calling a groundbreaking act of blissful ignorance, local wellness enthusiast Karen P. was spotted squeezing an entire lemon into her expensive bottle of alkaline water earlier this week. Witnesses report that she confidently proclaimed it was “for detox” as she stirred the concoction with a reusable bamboo straw.
“Alkaline water is all about balance, and lemon is, like, super alkaline, right?” Karen reportedly said while wearing a shirt that read Live. Laugh. Detox. Sources close to her claim she has never once Googled the pH scale.
Contrary to Karen’s chemical improvisation, lemons are decidedly acidic, clocking in at a pH of around 2. Yet Karen remains undeterred, doubling down on her unique take on science. “It’s like when you eat negative-calorie celery. It cancels itself out. Duh.”
Chemists, meanwhile, are losing their collective minds. Dr. Emily L., a professor of chemistry at a local university, weighed in: “It’s not that adding lemon neutralizes the water—it’s that she’s neutralizing my will to live.”
The internet, predictably, has opinions. A Reddit thread titled “Karen’s Kitchen Science” quickly filled with comments ranging from “This is the water version of using crystals to charge your phone” to “She’s got big ‘I only trust essential oils’ energy.“
Karen has since defended her decision, citing “vibes over vibes,” and revealing that she also charges her alkaline-lemon elixir under the full moon for “maximum ionization.”
As Karen’s lemon-infused confusion goes viral, one question remains: When will we collectively stop pretending words like “alkaline” and “detox” mean whatever we want them to?
Leave a comment