In a shocking development that’s sure to send waves through the financial world, local woman Jennifer P. had her dreams of securing a personal loan crushed by what experts are calling a “severe deficiency in reality.” Jennifer, 32, approached her local bank Tuesday afternoon with a hopeful smile and a stack of paperwork thinner than her excuses.
Unfortunately, her loan request was swiftly denied due to a number of, shall we say, glaring omissions—chief among them: credit history, stable income, collateral, and, most concerning to bank officials, any indication of common sense.
“I thought they’d at least hear me out,” Jennifer said, clutching a Starbucks cup that she definitely couldn’t afford. “I mean, sure, I don’t have a job, but who doesn’t go through a ‘funemployment phase’? And as for collateral, I’ve got some valuable assets! My Beanie Babies are making a comeback, you know.”
Jennifer’s financial history reads like a horror novel: credit score in the low 400s (somehow), revolving credit card debt that could fund a small country, and a salary so nonexistent even Monopoly money has more value. Despite these obvious red flags, she remained undeterred.
“I don’t get why they’re being so uptight. I just need, like, ten grand for a ‘business venture’ I’m starting,”
Jennifer explained, with air quotes around ‘business venture’ so generous you could practically hear the sarcasm. When pressed for details on the venture, she vaguely mentioned “some dropshipping thing,” which has, statistically speaking, about as much chance of success as winning the lottery—twice.
Officials at the bank, meanwhile, seemed less than thrilled about the prospect of approving a loan to someone whose greatest asset was an unused gym membership. According to the bank’s loan officer, Dave L., Jennifer’s lack of collateral, income, and credit was “honestly the least of our concerns.”
“At first, we thought maybe she misunderstood the purpose of a bank loan,” Dave said, flipping through her application. “But no, she actually thought she could just waltz in and get five figures without so much as a plan or, you know, a single reasonable idea.”
Jennifer, of course, had a different take: “This is all just part of the patriarchy trying to keep a strong, independent woman down. I read that somewhere.”
Despite the setback, Jennifer remains optimistic, claiming she’ll just “ask her parents or something” for the funds. After all, if you can’t rely on the financial system, surely you can count on mom and dad bailing you out—again.
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