Month: October 2024
New Puppy Completely Unfazed by Owner’s Empty Threats of Shelter Return
"It’s like he doesn’t even understand I'm upset," says Jess, as her new puppy lovingly destroys her shoes.
Girl with No Personality Adds “Bisexual” to Instagram Profile, Like a Chef Adding Garnish to a Boring Meal
"Local twenty-something Ashley M. has added 'bisexual' to her Instagram bio, comparing it to sprinkling a touch of parsley over a plain dish...
Blind Date Win: He Isn’t a Murderer, She Isn’t Fat
In what sources are calling a resounding victory for the lowered expectations of dating in the modern age, local woman Linda M., 29,...
Chicago Style: Why Ketchup is a No-Go
A Kansas tourist learned the hard way that asking for ketchup on a Chicago dog is a recipe for disaster—and a mild concussion.
Local Man Blames Technology for Lack of Dating Success
Local man Mike H. blames technology for his lack of dating success, despite a few glaringly obvious hurdles, including his poor hygiene and...
U.S. Military Now Able to Deploy Mobile Burger King Anywhere in 24 Hours
"Troops that have access to a steady supply of burgers, fries, and milkshakes? They fight harder. They fight longer. They fight for that...
Man with Nosebleed Sneezes, Unleashes Biohazard-Level Disaster on Unsuspecting Café Patrons
"It was like someone detonated a ketchup grenade," one horrified witness reported after a man’s nosebleed-turned-sneeze disaster left a café drenched in an...
Bag of Fries Includes Bonus Onion Rings; Customer Compares It to Winning Lottery
"I reached into the bag expecting fries, and then bam—onion rings,” exclaimed Adam B., still visibly shaken by the experience."
Local Man Now Understands How Grandma Feels Talking About Prices Back in the Day
Move over, Grandma—one local man has officially entered the “back in my day” stage of life, and he’s barely hit his 30s. Thanks...
Man with ADHD Keeps Telling Himself He’ll Throw Out the Trash Soon
"Local man with ADHD, Peter J., swears he's moments away from taking out the trash. Just after he reorganizes his Spotify playlists. Again."
