Month: October 2024
Study Finds 98% of Hot Air Balloon Accident Victims Are White People
A new study shows 98% of hot air balloon fatalities involve white people, prompting scientists to dub it “The Latte Fatality Effect.” Could...
Lonely Woman’s “Cooking with Wine Night” Quickly Spirals Into Two-Bottle Bender
"There’s nothing like the taste of burning failure and Minute Rice,” Sarah said, wiping away a tear with a leftover chicken bone."
Local Man’s Wife Wants to Go to Farmer’s Market on Football Sunday, Doesn’t Understand Why That’s a Problem
Local man’s wife suggests a farmer's market trip on Football Sunday, completely oblivious to the devastating consequences for their marriage.
Woman’s Attempt to Secure Loan Thwarted by Lack of Credit, Stable Income, Collateral, Common Sense
"A local woman’s attempt to secure a loan was swiftly denied due to her severe lack of credit, income, collateral, and common sense."
Starting the Day with a Cigarette, a Red Bull, and Two Big Spoonfuls of Nutella Is Not “The Breakfast of Champions”
Dietician confirms: starting the day with a cigarette, a Red Bull, and two big spoonfuls of Nutella is not "the breakfast of champions,"...
Co-worker Tells a Story, With Breath So Bad It Makes Man’s Eyes Water
"The more he talked, the worse it got. It was like he had a three-course meal of garlic, roadkill, and onions just before...
Man Stands Right Next to You at Urinal, Tries to Start Conversation
In what can only be described as a modern tragedy, local man Kevin J. made the bold decision to stand directly next to...
Uncles’ Political Debate Ends, Both Somehow Completely Wrong
"It was like watching two blindfolded people have a sword fight in the dark—they’re both missing the point and each other."
Study Reveals Most Injuries in Professional Football Caused by Celebration Dances Gone Wrong
A new study reveals that more injuries in professional football are caused by post-touchdown celebration dances gone wrong than by actual gameplay.
Man at Department Store Warned He Would “Blow Up the Bathroom”
In a gastrointestinal misunderstanding, police responded to a "bomb threat" at a department store—only to find a man in dire need of a...
